DarthRider
03-16-2010, 09:15 PM
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will
be cut by 12%, as of next week, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for
the cut was the increase, in recent years, of the number of suicide
bombings versus a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(or B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to
its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary
Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves
to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be
treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins, but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce,
and not by management. "Last Christmas, Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that quantity
for members of the management, but not 72 for the people who do the
real work?"
Speaking from the shed in Sparkbrook in which he currently resides, Al
Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with
our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of
modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western
depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying off
people . I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000
of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended
management bonuses by claiming that these were necessary to attract
good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people
if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning, after management's last-ditch proposal
of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright, due to a failure to
agree on 'Orifice Allocation' quotas. One virgin, who refused to be
named, was quoted as saying "I'll be damned if I'm agreeing to anything
like that........it's just too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached during the weekend, suicide
bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, to express
solidarity with their striking brethren, some members of that branch
will only be using waist-down explosives.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Liverpool, the West
Midlands and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not
affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will
be cut by 12%, as of next week, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for
the cut was the increase, in recent years, of the number of suicide
bombings versus a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(or B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to
its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary
Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves
to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be
treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins, but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce,
and not by management. "Last Christmas, Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that quantity
for members of the management, but not 72 for the people who do the
real work?"
Speaking from the shed in Sparkbrook in which he currently resides, Al
Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with
our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of
modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western
depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying off
people . I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000
of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended
management bonuses by claiming that these were necessary to attract
good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people
if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning, after management's last-ditch proposal
of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright, due to a failure to
agree on 'Orifice Allocation' quotas. One virgin, who refused to be
named, was quoted as saying "I'll be damned if I'm agreeing to anything
like that........it's just too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached during the weekend, suicide
bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, to express
solidarity with their striking brethren, some members of that branch
will only be using waist-down explosives.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Liverpool, the West
Midlands and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not
affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".