Jacks Jokes (and to contributions by many Others Too)

[1MPH]

A Salute to To each and everyone of you that made us smile at least once!

Thank you for Your contributions, Keep them coming

Special Thanks to Jack for starting the Ball rolling! Hence "Jack's Jokes!"

[BobFV1]

The Train Ride (aka-the short mystery)
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped ! his cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.

[Dallara]

The Ordeal of Fruit

Two men shipwrecked on an island are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them the only way to avoid becoming dinner is to undergo the ‘Ordeal of Fruit’. The men accept at once, and the chief sends them into the jungle to collect 100 pieces of fruit and bring them back to him. The first man comes back with 100 grapes. The chief says that if he can shove all the grapes up his arse without giggling then he will be free. But no sooner has the first grape reached his butt than the man bursts out laughing. ‘What’s so funny?’ the chief asks. ‘Don’t you realize we’re going to kill you now?’ ‘I’m sorry,’ the sailor replies. ‘It’s just that my friend is collecting pineapples


He’s armless

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him, ‘Have you ever been hugged?’ The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a big hug. The second says to him, ‘Have you ever been kissed?’ He shakes his head. She kisses him. Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, ‘Have you ever been fucked?’ ‘No,’ says the man, his eyes lighting up. ‘Well, you are now. The tide’s coming in.’


Divine wisdom

Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to speak.


He’s been stung before

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex. ‘What's that?’ he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said ‘Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.’ ‘Tarzan, you have it all wrong,’ she says horrified, ‘but I will show you how to do it properly.’ She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. ‘Here,’ she said, ‘You must put it in here.’ Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, ‘What the hell did you do that for?’ ‘Just checking for bees,’ said Tarzan.


A fishy story

A beautiful young lady wearing a lovely summer dress is sitting peacefully on a commuter train on her own when a crusty traveller enters the compartment, eating a tray of jumbo shrimp. The filthy youth sits down opposite the woman, shelling his shrimp and flicking the debris onto the floor, occasionally tossing one onto the young lady’s lap with a sneer. When he’s finished his meal he casually screws up the carton he’s been eating out of and throws it at the girl’s face. The young lady then calmly stands up, picks up the shells from the floor, put them in the carton and throws the whole sorry mess out of the window. She then walks over to the emergency stop cord and pulls it. ‘You silly bitch,’ the crusty says with a sneer, ‘That’ll cost you a $100 fine.’ ‘Yes,’ the young lady replies, ‘And when the police smell your fingers it’ll cost you ten years.’


Never lie to kids

Little Johnny’s mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from the hospital where she had all of her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she’s drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair. ‘I’ve lost my sponge,’ she says, and sends Johnny out to play. A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he’s found her sponge. ‘Oh, really,’ his mum asks. ‘Where is it?’ Johnny answers, ‘The lady next door is washing daddy’s face with it.’


Lucky dog!

A man and his dog walk into a pub, and turn to the assembled patrons. ‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ the man announces in a loud voice. ‘I bet anyone here a pitcher of beer that my dog can talk.’ After much cynical muttering from the tables, the bartender finally agrees to the bet – and is amazed as the hound perches himself on the barstool and delivers a fascinating diatribe about the war in Iraq. ‘That is truly wondrous,’ says the bartender, as he pours the man a pitcher. ‘But I bet you another pitcher that your pooch can't go and get you a newspaper.’ After a moment's though, the man agrees and slips the dog a crisp five dollar bill. ‘And I want the change as well,’ he says. The dog nods and runs out of the pub. But an hour later he still hasn't returned. Worried, the man goes out to look for him and finds the pup in a nearby alleyway – shagging a local bitch. ‘Oi!’ the man yells. ‘You've never done this before.’ The dog turns back to the man. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘I've never had the money before.’


Cheers!

Allan - (Dallara - Favorite Banned-It of Administrators and Moderators Everywhere)

[Dallara]

Free ride

This nun’s standing at a bus stop when a double-decker pulls up. As she gets on, the nun notices she’s the only passenger on the bus, so she turns to the driver and asks, ‘Could you do me a very special favour, Mr Driver?’ ‘If I can,’ he replies. ‘Well, the thing is, I have a serious heart problem and I want to have sex for the first time before I die.’ ‘Erm, okay,’ answers the driver. ‘There are two conditions, though,’ continues the nun. ‘Firstly, we can’t do it if you’re married, because I don’t want to commit adultery. Secondly, it has to be anal sex, because I have to die a virgin.’ The bus driver gives a nod, so they clamber upstairs and get down to it. When it’s all over, though, the driver’s racked with guilt. ‘I’m so sorry, Sister, but I have a terrible confession – I’m married with three kids.’ ‘Don’t fret, Mr Driver,’ replies the nun, sympathetically. ‘I have a confession, too. I’m on my way to a fancy-dress party and my name’s Kevin.’


It’s a question of timing

Three old men are sitting around chatting about their respective toilet habits. ‘The best thing that could happen to me,’ says the 80 year-old, ‘would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.’ The 85-year-old nods in agreement. ‘The best thing that could happen to me,’ he laments, ‘Is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem.’ But the 90 year-old is shaking his head. ‘That's not my problem,’ he says. ‘Every morning at 6:00am sharp, I have a good long piss. And then at 6:30am sharp I usually pinch off a lengthy loaf too.’ ‘So what's the problem?’ chorus the others. ‘Well,’ says the pensioner, ‘The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00am.’


The missing pen

A doctor is sitting in his surgery preparing to write out a prescription for a patient. He reaches into the top pocket of his white coat and pulls out a rectal thermometer. ‘Damn!’ he swears. ‘That means some asshole must have my pen.’


The secret of a long life

Sat on a park bench, a small boy is munching one chocolate bar after another. After seeing him starting on his sixth, a man on the bench across from him shakes his head. ‘Son,’ tuts the gentleman, ‘Eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat.’ The small boy looks back at him. ‘My grandfather lived to be 107,’ he replies. The man nods sagely. ‘But did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?’ The boy looked at him. ‘No,’ he said, ‘He just minded his own fucking business.’


Twisting in the wind

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office. ‘Mr James,’ says the official, ‘Your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.’ ‘Oh, he didn't kill himself,’ Mr James replied. ‘I hung him up to dry.’


Drunk driving

While walking his beat, a policeman is bemused to find a young man, clearly drunk, staggering about with a key in his hand. ‘They’ve stolen my car,’ the drunk shouts. ‘It was right here earlier on the end of this key.’ ‘More importantly, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘Do you know your penis is hanging out?’ ‘Oh my God,’ wails the drunk. ‘They’ve got my girlfriend, too!’


If you want to know the time …

The police are ordered to clean up a street for a big parade, and are patrolling the pavements when a drunk staggers towards them. ‘Excuse me, offisher,’ he says to one constable. ‘Could you pleash tell me the time?’ The constable frowns at him. ‘One o'clock,’ he replies – before whacking the drunk over the head with his baton. ‘Christ,’ said the drunk, reeling. ‘I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago.’


Short tempered

The supervisor of a local firm is somewhat startled when his secretary bursts into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works in the same department. ‘What on earth did he do?’ asks the concerned boss. ‘It’s not what he did, it’s what he said!’ she shrieks. ‘He said that my hair smelt nice!’ ‘And what’s so wrong with telling you that?’ asks the supervisor, confused. ‘He’s a midget,’ huffs the woman.


Builders’ ass

One day a construction crew arrives next door to a young family to build another house. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally takes an interest, and begins hanging around the site. Eventually the brickies adopt her as a kind of mascot – chatting to her and giving her errands to run. Then, at the end of the week, they present her with a pay envelope containing a fiver. Excitedly, the little girl runs home to her mother, who suggests they take it to the bank. Running straight up to the pay-in desk, the little girl thrusts her wages over the counter. ‘I earned this building a house,’ she beams, proudly. ‘For a whole week.’ ‘Goodness!’ smiles the teller. ‘And will you be building it next week, too?’ ‘Yes,’ trills the little girl. ‘If the fucking bricks ever get delivered.’


The truth dawns

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered to her, his eyes full of tears. ‘My dearest, you have always been with me. All through the bad times: when I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?’ ‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling, as her heart began to fill with warmth. ‘I think you're bad luck.’


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Former "Ban-A-Mania" Champion)

[Dallara]

What a wanker

Worried about his failing eyesight, a man goes to his optician – who tells him he must stop masturbating. ‘Why?’ asks the man, worriedly, ‘Am I going blind?’ ‘No, your eyesight is fine,’ says the optician, ‘But it upsets the other patients in the waiting room.’


Like ships that pass in the night

After months of plucking up courage, Tony decides to take a parachute jump. But after leaping out of the tiny Cessna aircraft, he pulls the ripcord … and nothing happens. Alarmed, he pulls his reserve chute cord – and again, nothing happens. As he's plummeting towards earth – and certain death – he spots another man shooting upwards at rapid speed. ‘Do you know anything about parachutes?’ cries Tony, as the man passes him. ‘No,’ comes the reply. ‘Do you know anything about gas cookers?’



Rest in puss

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, ‘What are you up to there, Tim?’ ‘My goldfish died,’ replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, ‘and I've just buried him.’ The neighbour frowned. ‘That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?’ Tim patted down the last heap of earth. ‘Well,’ he replied, ‘That's because he's inside your fucking cat.’



Now Hear This

For quite some time, there’s a man living next door to a beautiful young girl. He curses his lack of confidence, as he’s never said more than hello to the fantastic creature. Then one day, as he returns from work, the girl appears at her front door wearing a flimsy negligee and beckons him over. As she slides her arms around his neck, it’s obvious she’s coming on to him, and the man gets increasingly hot under the collar. All of a sudden she looks up. “Inside, quickly,” she whispers urgently, “I can hear someone coming.” Blind with lust, he follows her indoors where she strips off and stands in front of him, stark naked. “So, honey,” she coos. “What do you think my best attribute is?” “Well,” the man stammers. “It’s... er... got to be your ears.” The woman frowns at him incredulously. “My ears?” she gasps. “But why? Have you ever seen such flawless skin? Such pert breasts? Have you ever set eyes upon such a firm backside?” “No – I agree,” says the man. The woman shakes her head, “And yet you say my ears...” “Well it’s like this,” he explains, “when we were outside, you said you could hear someone coming...” “So?” she demands. The man gulps. “Well, that was me.”



It’s a small world

A Czechoslovakian man feels his eyesight is getting worse, and visits an optician. He sits down in the chair, and the optician points at the bottom line of the eye-test: CZYFHRGRV. ‘Can you read this?’ asks the doctor. ‘Read it?’ says the Czech. ‘Doc, I know the guy!’



The slowest takeaway in the world

One evening a husband and wife are sitting at home, waiting for dinner guests to arrive. After putting the casserole in the oven the wife turns and screams, ‘I’ve forgotten the nibbles! We can’t have a party without nibbles! Go down into the garden and fetch some snails. I’ll boil them up and serve them with a little garlic butter and lemon.’ The husband sets off to the end of the garden with a bucket and starts hunting for the snails. No sooner has he started when a beautiful woman leans over the fence and casually asks him if he wants to pop over to her place for a quick drink. The husband thinks that a quick snifter before dinner can’t hurt, so he climbs over the fence and goes in. After downing a martini, the woman grabs the man and begins kissing him. One thing leads to another and soon the pair are hard at it in bed. So hard, in fact, that the husband falls asleep for a couple of hours. Waking up in a panic, he grabs all his clothes and his bucket of snails, jumps back over the fence and hurtles into his own kitchen where his wife has nodded off. He trips up as he enters through the door and spills his bucket of snails over the lino and wakes her. ‘Where the hell have you been?’ she screams. The husband looks up at his livid wife, looks down at the scattered snails on the floor and shouts,‘Come on lads, we’re nearly there!’



Role reversal

A female journalist goes out to Kuwait to do a story on gender roles, just before the outbreak of the Gulf War in 1991. She notes with some dismay that the women of the country customarily walk about 10 feet behind their men. Several years later the same journalist returns to the country to see if there has been any change in these gender roles. She is surprised to find, on her return, that the men now walk ten feet behind their women. Amazed at this, she approaches a young lady. ‘This is marvellous,’ she says. ‘What enabled the women here to effect such a reversal of roles?’ ‘Simple,’ the young woman replies. ‘Land mines.’



Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - First to be Banned from a "Lifetime Membership")

[Dallara]

The memory man

Dave the scouser is touring the US on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He’s chatting to the bartender when he spies an old Indian sitting in the corner – complete with full tribal gear, long white plaits and wrinkled face. ‘Who's he?’' asks Dave. ‘That's the Memory Man,’ says the bartender. ‘He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.’ So Dave wanders over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks: ‘Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?’ ‘Liverpool,’ replies the Memory Man, instantly. The tourist is amazed. ‘Who did they beat?' ‘Leeds,’ comes the reply – again, quick as a flash. ‘And the score?’ The wise brave does not hesitate: ‘Two-one.’ Thinking that details may fox him, Dave tries something more specific. ‘Who scored the winning goal?’ he asks. The Red Indian doesn’t even blink: ‘Ian St John.’ The Liverpudlian is flabbergasted and, returning home, he regales his relatives and friends with his tale. But it’s not enough – and soon he’s determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man. Ten years later he’s saved enough money, and returns to the US. After weeks of searching through the towns of Nevada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains – older, more wrinkled, resplendent in his warpaint and headdress. Humbled by this vision, the scouser steps forward, bows and greets the brave in the traditional native tongue: ‘How.’ The Memory Man squints at him. ‘Diving header in the six-yard box,’ he says.


They grow up so fast

Desperate for a Sunday afternoon quickie, Bill and Marla decide that the only way to distract their ten-year-old son long enough is send him out onto the balcony of their flat to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. ‘There's a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he says, after few minutes. ‘And now an ambulance is driving past.’ There’s a moment’s quiet, before the amorous couple hear his narration again: ‘Looks like the Andersons have company,’ he calls out. ‘Matt from no.8 is riding a new bike … and the Coopers are having sex.’ Mum and Dad shoot up in bed. ‘How do you know that?’ asks Bill, startled. ‘Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too,’ his son replied.


The power of suggestion

A blonde walks in to her local clinic and asks to see the doctor. When she’s admitted, the doctor is a little perturbed to see she’s wearing headphones and asks her to remove them. ‘I’m afraid I can’t or I’ll die,’ she replies. ‘Don’t be so ridiculous,’ the doctor says, reaching across to snatch them out of her ears. Immediately the woman turns red and falls on the floor. In the name of science the doctor puts the headphones in his ears. ‘Breath in, breath out …’ says a soothing voice.


The bells! The bells!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Jennie went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained ‘He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning’ Horrified Jennie suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. ‘Oh no’ her gran replied, ‘We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.’ She paused, and wiped away a tear. ‘If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive’.



Be gentle with me

A bloke walks into the doctor’s surgery looking very sheepish. The doctor asks him what the problem is and he explains that it’s a rather delicate matter to do with his back passage, which he finds a bit difficult to talk about. The doctor says, ‘Look, I’ve been in this profession for 26 years and there isn’t much I haven’t seen. I understand you’re embarrassed about it, but it would save us both a lot of time if you just told me.’ ‘I think I’d find it a lot easier if I just showed you,’ the man replied. The doctor agrees, so the man drops his trousers and bends over. The sight of the guy’s arsehole renders the doctor speechless; it has been torn to the size of a football and is badly bruised. ‘Jesus Christ!’ said the doctor, ‘What the hell happened to you?’ ‘Well,’ the bloke says, ‘I was on Safari in Kenya and I got raped by a bull elephant.’ The doctor considers this for a second and says, ‘Well, with my rather limited knowledge of veterinary science, I thought elephants’ penises were very long and very thin.’ ‘That’s right, doctor,’ the guy agrees, ‘but he fingered me first.’



Three hard rats

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are. The first rat says, ‘When I woke up there was a matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the whole package and didn't feel a thing.’ After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in, ‘When I got up this morning, there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise.’ At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door. ‘Where are you going?’ ask the two other rats. ‘Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and fuck the cat again.’



The interpretation of dreams

Waking after a long night’s sleep, a wife begins recounting her dream to her husband. ‘I dreamt I was at an auction for cocks,’ she began. ‘The long ones went for a $20, and the meaty ones for $50.’ ‘How about the ones like mine?’ asked her husband. ‘Oh, they gave those away,’ she replied, grinning slyly. Miffed, the husband responds: ‘Well I had a dream too – where they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones cost $1,000 and the little tight ones went for double that.’ ‘And how much for the ones like mine?’ inquired his wife. The man grinned. ‘Oh, that's where they held the auction.’



One-way street

An elderly man is driving down the expressway when his mobile phone rings. Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end. ‘Albert,’ she says, ‘Please be careful when you're driving back. I just heard on the radio that there’s a maniac on the expressway. He’s driving the wrong way!’ ‘It's not just one,’ Albert replies, ‘There's fucking hundreds of them!’



Smells funny

After years of flirting, a man and woman in an old people’s home agree to make love – and one day, when the residents go on a day trip, they both stay behind. Impatient for his first action in decades, the man quickly goes to the woman's room and asks her if there’s anything she prefers. She replies she loves it when men perform cunnilingus on her – and grinning widely, the man goes down. After a few seconds, however, he reappears. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, ‘but I’m afraid the smell is just too bad.’ ‘Hmmm,’ she replies, thinking for a moment. ‘It must be the arthritis. He looks at her confused. ‘Surely you can’t get arthritis down there,’ he cries, ‘And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that smell.’ ‘No, the arthritis is in my shoulder,’ she bleats. ‘I can't wipe my ass.’


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - The Banned-Saw of R1150R Boards and Moderators)

[Dallara]

What a dump!
A drunk staggers down the main street of a town and up the church steps. He manages to open the church door and falls into the silent building. On his hands and knees he weeps as he struggles to pull himself to his feet, half crawling and half walking towards the front of the church. He crashes from pew to pew softly crying, ‘Oh God help me, God help me,’ until he finally makes it into the confessional box. Having observed the man’s sorry progress the priest sits silently in the booth, waiting to hear the drunk’s tale. He waits for several minutes, hearing the drunk moan and groan, until finally there is a lengthy silence from the drunk’s side of the confessional. At last the priest speaks. ‘May I help you my son?’ he says. ‘I don’t know father,’ the drunk replies. ‘It depends on whether or not you have any paper on your side.’


The taxman cometh

A Yuletide meal at an expensive restaurant is disturbed when a woman starts screaming. ‘My son's choking! ‘ she cries. ‘He’s swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone – help!’ Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly, he grips the boy by the balls and squeezes them hard: the boy coughs, and out pops the coin. ‘Thank you so much!’ beams the relieved mother. ‘Are you a paramedic?’ ‘No,’ replied the man, ‘I work for the IRS.’


Discommunication

A very, very drunk man flops onto a bus seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face plastered with lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his trouser pocket. He opens his newspaper and starts reading, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and asks, ‘Hey, Father, do you have any idea what causes arthritis?’ ‘Yes,’ the priest replies sternly. ‘It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, drinking too much alcohol and having complete contempt for your fellow man.’ ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ the drunk mutters, and returns to his paper. The bus carries on its way, and a few minutes later the priest, feeling guilty about what he has just said, nudges the man and apologizes to him. ‘I’m very sorry,’ says the holy man. ‘I didn’t mean to come on so strong. It was mean-spirited and inconsiderate of me. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?’ ‘I haven’t,’ says the drunk. ‘I was just reading here that the Pope has.’


Home away from home

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a gin and tonic. Surprised, the bartender looks at him. ‘Ain't you from around here, boy?’ he sneers. ‘I'm from Pennsylvania,’ the guy replies. The bartender frowns. ‘What do you do there?’ ‘I'm a taxidermist,’ comes the reply. The bartender laughs incredulously. ‘A taxidermist!’ he cries. ‘What the hell is a taxidermist?’ The guy looks at him. ‘I mount dead animals.’ The bartender smiles and turns to the rest of the bar. ‘It's okay, boys,’ he shouts. ‘He's one of us!’



The Mexican bandit

Two young travellers are braving their way across Mexico behind the wheel of an old van, when they come across a group of bandits standing behind a roadblock. The head honcho walks around to the door, sticks a gun into their faces and says, ‘Start masturbating, gringos!’ Shocked, but fearing for their lives, the pair duly oblige – and, despite the stress, manage to perform. As soon as they finish, the bandit chief leans in and demands: ‘Again!’ They manage a repeat performance, but are then told to continue until, tired and sore, the pair are physically incapable of another erection. ‘Good work,’ smiles the toothless Mexican as a dark figure emerges from the trees. ‘Now drive my sister to the nearest town.’



The nice gesture

Two men are sitting on a riverbank, fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart. ‘That was a nice gesture,’ says the other man. ‘Oh,’ replies the first, ‘it’s the least I can do. We were married 25 years.’



Lucky eighteen

An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking about their families. The Englishman said, ‘I have ten kids at home and if I had another one I would have a soccer team!’ ‘Well,’ said the American guy, ‘I have 21 kids at home and if I had another one I would have a football team!’ ‘Well,’ said the Arabic guy, ‘I have 17 wives at home.’ He paused, sipping at his drink. ‘If I had another one I would have a golf course.’



Laughter is the best medicine

What’s grey, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss? A kidney dialysis machine.

Ask a stupid question … The phone at the local hospital rang, and the duty medic picked it up to hear a man speaking frantically on the other end.‘ My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!’ he babbled. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No, you idiot!’ the man shouted. ‘This is her husband!’



A man’s best friend

Leaving a cafe with his morning cup of coffee, a man notices a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. Moving up the street slowly is a black hearse, followed closely behind by a second black hearse. Behind this, with head bowed, walks a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him are about 200 men walking single file. Curiosity getting the better of him, the man respectfully approaches the man walking the dog. ‘I know now is a bad time to disturb you,’ he says to the mourner. ‘But I've never seen a funeral like this. Who has passed away?’ The bereaved looks up. ‘Well, that first hearse is for my wife.’ ‘What happened to her?’ the first man asks. The funeral-goer looks down at his pit bull. ‘My dog attacked and killed her.’ The man nods solemnly ‘Well, who is in the second hearse?’ ‘My mother-in-law,’ the man answers. ‘She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’ A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. ‘Could I borrow that dog?’ says the first man, finally. The mourner looks at him wearily. ‘Get in line.’



The Amish go to town

An Amish boy and his father rode into town to visit a new shopping mall. All that they saw had them reeling in amazement, but the one thing that really caught their eye was a pair of shiny ‘walls’ that could slide open and close effortlessly shut again. The boy looked at his father and asked,‘What is this thing, father?’ Having never seen an elevator before, the old man responded: ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.’ At that moment, a fat lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady moved between them into a small room. The walls then closed, and the boy and his father watched in awe as a series of semi-circular numbers above the walls lit up sequentially. They continued to stare as the numbers lit in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again and a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde woman stepped out. Without taking his eyes off the young woman, the father said quietly: ‘Son, go get your mother …’


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - The One Who Has To Wear a Banned-ana on R1150R sites)

[Optimus Prime]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Dallara]

Here's just a few blonde jokes...



Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump Me, Dump Me!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces him/her self.
A2: Walks home.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What do blondes and cow-patties have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.

Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.




Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Banned to the Bone)

[Dallara]

Ever thought about blondes driving?


A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."


Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.


Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

The Unites States government has issued a recall on all cars and trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal switch. The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%. Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from blondes, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.
Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Still Banned, Banned, Banned to the Bone)

[Dallara]

How about Blondes at work...


Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!

(This next one is my own personal favorite - Allan)

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"


Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"


A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.


Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.


A blonde saw a "¿" on her computer screen and asked another blonde,
"How do you do that?" She responded . . .
"Simple, turn the keyboard upside down!"


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Proud to be Banned Where Annoying Frogs Run Free)

[Dallara]

And here's even some more about blondes...



Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A1: Toes Go In First.
A2: Tits Go In Front.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A1: Because they can spell it.
A2: Because they can spell BWM.

Q: Why do blondes like the GST?
(GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A: When they are on their backs they are screwed.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine
(note from Zelo: for you REAL blondes out there that is the machine that makes ice in the ice-skating rinks!).

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.


A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says,
1. "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
2. "Good thing that cows don't fly."


There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.


I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.


A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"


Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: How does a blonde kill a worm?
A: She burys it.


Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.


Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Proud to be Banned Where Annoying Frogs Run Free)

[Dallara]

Want some more jokes?

Well, here's some anyway... :omg:


In hot water

Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his wife gives birth to their first child. After a long labour the doctor comes out and tells the man that he is the father of a baby boy. The man is overjoyed, and rushes in to his wife who smiles weakly and gives him the child. Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he can do to help. Sensing that the dad wants to share in the occasion, the midwife tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door. After a few minutes the midwife pops in to see how the man is getting on – then jumps back in dismay when she sees what the new dad is doing. He has two fingers firmly lodged up the infant’s nose and is dragging the child through the water in figure of eights. ‘Good God!’ she shouts. ‘That’s not how to bathe a newborn!’ ‘It bloody well is,’ the man replies, ‘when the water’s this hot.’



Tree hugger

Driving his car through the countryside, a middle-aged man spots a naked youth with his arms tied around the trunk of a tree. The driver slows and winds his window down and he hears the naked lad wailing for help. After looking around to check he's not getting into some sort of trap, he gets out of his car to investigate. ‘Oh, thank God!’ the young man cries. ‘I've had a terrible day!’ ‘I can see that,’ says the driver, noticing the bruises and whip-marks on the young man's back. ‘What on earth happened to you?’ ‘Well,’ moans the young man, ‘I was driving along when I saw this young woman in a pair of cut-offs and a bra hitch-hiking. I stopped to give her a lift, and as soon as I jumped out to put her rucksack in the boot two enormous blokes jumped out of the undergrowth, stripped me, tied me up and beat me, stole all my belongings and drove off in my car.’ ‘Oh dear, gorgeous,’ says the driver, unbuckling his belt. ‘It's just not your day, is it?’


Cowboy bluffs it out

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun in the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. ‘Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?’ he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. ‘All right,’ he snarled at the room in general. ‘I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.’ The locals shifted uneasily in their seats as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. ‘And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.’ Chairs creaked restlessly, and the cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it. As the cowboy saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender wandered out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. ‘Say partner, before you go – what happened in Texas?’ The cowboy turned back, sadly. ‘I had to walk home.’



Bullets cost money, you know

A man goes in to a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points it at the window and says, ‘This baby is good, you can see right into my house on the hill over there.’ The man looks through the sights and starts laughing. ‘What’s so funny?’ asks the assistant. ‘Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house,’ replies the customer. Snatching the scope back, the assistant looks through the sight – and sure enough, there is his wife being chased by an excited young man. Furious, the assistant says that he will give the man the telescopic sight for free if he can take the man’s dick off with one bullet and kill his wife with another. The man agrees and arranges himself behind the gun and looks through the sight. ‘You know what?’ he says. ‘I think I can do this with one bullet.’



Caught short

A girl takes her new boyfriend back home after the dance. She tells him to be very, very quiet as her parents are asleep upstairs and if they wake up, she would be in big trouble as she’s not allowed to bring boys home. They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he stops and says, ‘Where’s the toilet, I need to go.’ She says, ‘It’s next to my parents’ bedroom. You can’t go there, you might wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead.’ He goes into the kitchen then, after a short while, he pops his head round the door and says to his girlfriend, ‘Have you got any paper?’



For you, the war is over

At the start of World War One, a father approaches his son to explain he has to go to fight for his country. Nodding, his son asks that on his return could he bring back a souvenir from the battlefields – perhaps a German helmet. ‘You know,’ says the boy, ‘One with a spike on top.’ And so, weeks later the man is out on the mud-soaked fields of Flanders, when he spies a German helmet lying in the mud. Bending down to pick it up, he finds it stuck fast; as he grasps the spike for a better grip, he realizes there is a German soldier still attached underneath. ‘If you pull me out of ze dirt, you can tek me prisoner,’ says the soldier, through the grime. ‘If I pull you out,’ says the Brit, ‘can I have your helmet for my son?’ ‘Ja – be my guest!’ comes the German’s cheerful reply. And so, with great effort, he begins to pull the soldier from the ground. But, after half an hour, he’s still only managed to get him up to his waist. ‘I’m bloody knackered,’ he says, catching his breath. ‘Vud it help,’ replies the German soldier, ‘Iff I took my feet out of ze stirrups?’



Who can blame her?

What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus.



Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Banned, Banned, Banned - Barb, Barb, Bra-Banned)

[Dallara]

And whether you like it or not, even more jokes...


What a prick

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a chiropodist's (podiatrist's) office instead. Laboriously, he weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed. ‘Stick it through that curtain,’ she says. Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. ‘That's not a foot!’ screams the receptionist. ‘Christ!’ replies the drunk. ‘I didn't know you had a minimum.’
Having just arrived at a Foreign Legion outpost, a raw recruit asked the corporal what the men did for recreation. The corporal smiled and said, “You’ll see.” The young man was puzzled. “Well, you’ve got more than 100 men on this base and I don’t see a single woman.” “You’ll see,” the corporal slyly repeated. That afternoon, 300 camels were herded into the corral. At a signal, the men went wild: sprinting into the enclosure and screwing the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past and grabbed his arm. “I don’t understand,” he said. “There must be over 300 camels and only 100 of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can’t a man take his time?” “What?” exclaimed the corporal, startled. “And get stuck with an ugly one?”



The hygenic waiter

On being seated at a restaurant table, a gentleman becomes somewhat embarrassed when he knocks the spoon off with his elbow. A nearby waiter calmly picks it up and produces another shiny spoon from his pocket, which he places on the table. Suitably impressed, the diner enquires, ‘Do all waiters carry spare spoons on them?’ The waiter replies, ‘Indeed, sir, it is in fact company policy, ever since our efficiency expert determined that 17.8 per cent of our clients knock the spoon off the table. By carrying a spare spoon on our person, we save on trips to the kitchen’ After the gentleman has finished his meal and paid the bill, he wanders over to the same waiter and says to him, ‘You will, of course, forgive me, but do you know you have a piece of string hanging from your fly?’ ‘Indeed, sir,’ the waiter begins, ‘Our efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after going to the toilet. Thus, by attaching this piece of string to my penis I avoid touching myself: I go, and then I return to work. It saves a lot of time.’ ‘But how do you put it back in your trousers?’ asks the curious diner. ‘Well sir, I can't speak on behalf of my colleagues, but I just use the spoon.’



Bringing them round

Two young guys are picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appear in court before the judge. The judge tells them, ‘You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court on Monday.’ When the two guys return to court, the judge asks the first one, ‘So, how did you do over the weekend?’ ‘Well, your Honour, I managed to persuade 17 people to give up drugs forever.’ ‘Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?’ ‘I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this – O o – and explained to them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and that the small circle is your brain after drugs.’ ‘That’s admirable,’ said the judge, turning to the second guy. ‘And you, how did you do?’ ‘Well, Your Honour, I managed to persuade 156 people to give up drugs forever.’ ‘156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!’ ‘Well, I used the same diagram, only I pointed to the small circle first and said this is your asshole before prison ...’



The thoughtful wife

George the postman was on the final day of his job after 35 years of serving the same neighbourhood, come rain or shine. At his first house, he was greeted by the entire family applauding him, and sent on his way with a healthy gift envelope. At the second house, he was presented with a case of fine wine, at the third he left with a box of Havana cigars. At the fourth house, George was greeted by a beautiful blonde in a baby-doll nightie, who took him by the hand upstairs to the bedroom and treated him to the best sex of his life. Afterwards she led him to the kitchen and cooked him breakfast. As the stunning woman poured the coffee, the postie noticed a £1 coin next to his cup. ‘What’s the money for?’ he asked. ‘Oh,’ the woman replied. ‘Last night I told my husband that today was your last day, and I asked him what we should give you as a special treat. He said, “Fuck him. Give him a pound.” The breakfast was my idea.’


Revenge is a dish best eaten cold

One day a 12-year-old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him and says, ‘Hello, I’d like a girl for the night.’ The madam says, ‘I’m afraid you’re too young for one of my girls.’ So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200, to which she says, ‘She’ll be waiting for you upstairs.’ The boy says, ‘She’s got to have active herpes.’ ‘But all my girls are clean!’ So out comes another $200. The madam says, ‘Okay.’ So the boy goes upstairs, dragging the dead frog. Half an hour later, he comes back down, still dragging the dead frog. By now the madam is curious, and asks, ‘Why did you come in here dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpes?’ ‘Well,’ he says, ‘when I get home, I’ll fuck the baby-sitter, and she’ll get it. Then, when my parents get home, Dad will drive her home and have sex on the way, so he’ll get it. Later, Mum and Dad will make love, and she’ll get it. Then, when Dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round and fuck my mum, and he’ll get it. And he’s the bastard who killed my frog!’



Anal intruder

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to his doctor to see what can be done about it. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his asshole every six hours. ‘Right,’ says the doctor, ‘bend over and I’ll do the first one for you.’ The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home. At home six hours later the man realizes that he can’t stick the suppository far enough up his ass on his own, and he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband’s shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his ass. To her horror, the man lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream. ‘My God!’ she cries. ‘What’s the matter? Have I hurt you?’ ‘No,’ replies the man. ‘But I’ve just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders.’


Pet lovers

Harry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Harry couldn't wait to see the finished product and asked the producer when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Harry where he could go to see it. A month later Harry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever. Jerry couldn’t believe it as group sex, S&M and golden showers shot across the screen – and then, just when it couldn’t get any worse, a dog got in on the action. Quick as a flash, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and with most of the men. Embarrassed, Harry turned to the old couple and whispered, ‘I'm only here for the music.’ The woman turned to Harry and whispered back, ‘That's okay, we're just here to see our dog.’



Marital economics

Little Johnny walks past his parents room one night and sees them making love. Puzzled, he asks his father about it in the morning. ‘Why were you doing that to mummy last night?’ His father replies, ‘Because mummy wants a baby.’ The next night, Johnny spots mummy giving daddy a blow job and the next morning he asks his father, ‘Why was mummy doing that to you last night?’ His father replies, ‘Because mummy wants a BMW.’



Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Proud to be Banned on Boards Where Annoying Frogs Roam Free)

[Dallara]

Okay, how about a few more jokes?



The black hole

While out walking in the country, a man comes across a hole. Curious, he finds a small pebble and tosses it into the hole. He hears no sound, so picks up a slightly bigger one and throws that into the blackness. Again, he hears no sound. He picks up an even bigger rock, throws it into the hole, and again listens at the opening for some sound. Again, there is only silence. Looking around for something really big to chuck into the apparently bottomless pit, he finds a huge boulder and hurls it into the hole. As he is kneeling at the side of the hole waiting for some sound, a goat comes charging down the road towards him. He manages to scramble out of the way in the nick of time, and the goat falls down into the black hole. A few moments later, a farmer comes across the hill and approaches the man. ‘Have you seen a goat around here?’ the farmer asks, and the man, somewhat embarrassed that the goat has fallen down the hole while he was right next to it, answers that he hasn’t. ‘That’s odd,’ says the farmer, ‘It must be around here somewhere because I left it tied to an enormous boulder.’



Brawn, not brains

After hours of drinking heavily, Bob is sitting in a bar when, through his bloodshot eyes, he notices a figure sitting next to him. Feeling very jovial, the bloke turns to the blurry figure and says: ‘Do you want to hear a blonde joke?’ The figure next to him snorts. ‘Listen, mate,’ comes a female voice, ‘I weigh 175 lbs and am the British Women's kick-boxing champion. I am also blonde. My blonde friend next to me weighs 190 lb and is the Women's European arm-wrestling champion. Finally, my other friend at the end of the bar weighs 235 lb and is the Women's World power-lifting champion. She, too, is a natural blonde. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?’ The guy pondered this for a while. ‘Hmmm,’ he replied finally. ‘Not if I have to explain it three times.’



The spelling contest

A boy comes home from school looking sheepish. ‘Dad,’ he moans, ‘We had a class spelling contest today, and I failed on the very first word.’ ‘Ah, that’s okay, son,’ says his father, looking over his glasses at him. ‘What was the word?’ The son looks even more miserable. ‘Posse,’ he replies. His father bursts out laughing. ‘Well, no wonder you couldn’t spell it,’ he roars. ‘You can’t even pronounce it!’



A medical request

A senior lecturer at a London medical college is rather surprised one afternoon when one of his most promising students breaks through the door in a clear state of distress. Sitting the lad down, the kindly old-timer waits for him to compose himself before asking, ‘What on earth is the matter?’ ‘I can’t take it anymore, doc,’ wails the distressed student. ‘I need to find somewhere else to live!’ ‘But our student digs are the best in the land,’ protests the lecturer. ‘No, doctor – it’s this new policy of mixed living quarters. Every night when I’m trying to study, I have to push away beautiful young nurses, who have come in drunk from a night on the town and are hungry for sex.’ ‘I see,’ says the quack. ‘So how do you think I can help?’ ‘Oh doc,’ says the desperate young man, quietly. ‘You’re going to have to break my arms.’




Earning her money

Knowing that he’ll be back late from work, Joe asks his workmate Barry to pop by his house to let his wife know what time he’ll be home. Barry agrees and sets off. Joe’s wife opens the door and invites Barry in, as she’s just finishing her ironing. Barry passes on his news and notices that Joe’s wife is ironing her underwear. ‘I tell you what,’ says Barry. ‘I know you’re a bit hard up at the moment, so if you dance around for me in that underwear, I’ll give you £40.’ Needing the money, she reluctantly agrees. After the dance, Barry continues, ‘Now I’ll make it £100 if you do that naked.’ A little sheepishly, she strips off her undies and repeats the dance. ‘Now,’ says an excited Barry, ‘I’ll make it £200 if you let me give you one.’ Feeling ashamed but desperate for the money, she again agrees. When Barry finishes, he thanks her, pays her the money and leaves. Thirty minutes later, Joe returns from work to find his wife watching the telly. ‘All right, love? Did Barry tell you I’d be late?’ Still embarrassed, she nods. ‘Oh, and love,’ Joe goes on, ‘did he give you my wages?’



Too many questions

After 50 years of happy marriage to Lena, Ole becomes very ill and realizes that he will soon die. In bed one night, Ole turns to his wife. ‘Lena,’ he asks. ‘When I am gone, do you think you will marry another man?’ Lena gave it some thought. ‘Well, yes,’ she said. ‘Marriage has been good to me and I think that I surely will marry again.’ Ole was taken aback. ‘Why Lena,’ he cried, ‘Will you bring your new husband into our house?’ ‘This is a fine house,’ said Lena, ‘Yes, I think we will live here.’ ‘But Lena,’ Ole gasped, ‘Will you bring your new husband into our bed?’ Lena said ‘Ole, you made this bed, a good strong bed. Yes! Sure I will bring my new husband into this bed.’ Ole gulped. ‘But Lena,’ he said in a quite voice, ‘...You won't … ah … let your new husband use my golf clubs, will you?’ Lena smiled at her husband. ‘Oh, Ole!’ she grinned, misty-eyed. ‘Of course he won't use your golf clubs! He is left-handed.’


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Banned, Banned, Banned - Barb, Barb, Bra-Branned)

[Dallara]

More Jokes...




It’s obvious, really

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto.



Declan the crab

Declan the humble crab and Katie the lobster princess were madly and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Katie scuttled over to Declan in tears. ‘We can’t see each other anymore,’ she sobbed. ‘Why?’ gasped Declan. ‘Daddy says that crabs are too common,’ she wailed. ‘He says that no daughter of his will marry a creature that walks sideways.’ Declan was shattered, and walked away to drink himself in to oblivion. That night, the great lobster ball was taking place. The lobster princess refused to join in the merriment. Suddenly the doors opened and Declan the crab strode in. The dancing stopped, and all eyes were on Declan as he made his way over to Katie’s father. All could see that he was walking forwards. Step by step he made his way over to the throne and looked the King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke. ‘Fuck, I'm so DRUNK.’


Shhh!

A blonde walks into a library. ‘Excuse me – can I have a burger and large fries, please?’ she demands. Tutting, the librarian looks back at her. ‘Miss,’ he says, ‘this is a library.’ The blonde leans over the counter. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispers. ‘Can I have a burger and large fries, please?’



A quiet drink spoiled

Three lads are enjoying a quiet night in a pub, when a fourth stumbles in and orders a beer. Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: ‘I’ve shagged your mum!’ The lads ignored him and returned to their pints. He shouts again: ‘Up the arse!’ Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again points at the boy and yells: ‘Your Mum’s sucked my cock!’ The boy looks up wearily. ‘You’re drunk, Dad. Go home.’



Courting controversy

Following a hard day in court, a judge decides to go to the pub. Nine pints and seven whiskies later, he staggers out of the boozer and starts to walk home. Unfortunately, on his way he feels sick and he throws up all over his suit. Arriving home, he uses his fine legal mind to explain the mess to his wife. ‘Some filthy tramp vomited all over me,’ he moans, and his sympathetic wife makes him a nice cup of tea. The next day the judge comes home and decides to make his story more convincing. ‘You’ll never guess what?’ he says to his wife, ‘The tramp that threw up on me was in court today. I gave him six months!’ ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘You should have given him a year, because he shat in your pants as well.’



Therapy?

A man walks into a pub and orders a drink. He necks it, takes out his cock, and pisses all over the bar. The landlord is furious and tells the man to get out. He apologises profusely, saying he doesn’t know what came over him, and that he will see a psychiatrist and get help. A week later, the man goes back into the pub, orders a drink, takes out his cock and pisses all over the bar. Again, the furious landlord tells him to get out, and again the man apologises, and says he will definitely get some help from a psychiatrist for his unusual condition. He then leaves. The following week, the man comes in and the landlord stops him before he can order a drink. ‘It’s okay,’ says the man, ‘I’ve been in treatment with my psychiatrist. Everything’s fine.’ The landlord decides to give the man one more chance, and pulls him a pint. The man drinks it, then gets his cock out and pisses all over the bar. The landlord is stunned. ‘I thought you’d been to see a psychiatrist,’ he says. ‘I have,’ the man replies. ‘But you’ve just pissed all over my bar again,’ the landlord says. ‘I know,’ says the man. ‘But I don’t feel guilty about it any more.’



Holiday dilemma

The Good Lord is up in Heaven, moaning about the pressures and stresses of omnipotence and being Number One. He decides it’s time to go on holiday. He summons all his superbeing mates and they pop round with a few suggestions. ‘What about Mars?’ says one. ‘Nah,’ replies God. ‘I went there 15,000 years ago, and it was awful – no atmosphere and too dusty.’ ‘Pluto?’ suggests another. ‘No way,’ God pipes up. ‘I went there 10,000 years ago. Freezing. Awful place.’ ‘Well,’ says another of God’s protegés. ‘How about Mercury?’ God turns the suggestion down. ‘Been there. Nearly burnt my nuts off – never again.’ ‘Okay,’ says another of God’s favourite cronies. ‘How about Earth?’ ‘Woah!’ God exclaims. ‘Not a chance! I went there about 2,000 years ago, knocked up some bird and they’re still bloody talking about it!’



Leave the lights off

A guy on a date parks his car and gets his girlfriend in the back seat. They make love, and the girl wants to do it again almost instantly. They end up doing it a second, a third and a fourth time, until the bloke needs a rest and asks his girlfriend to excuse him as he needs to take a leak. While out of the car, he notices a man a few yards away changing a flat tyre. He walks over and says, ‘Listen, my girlfriend’s over there in my car and I’ve already given it to her four times and she still wants more. If you give her one for me, I’ll change your tyre.’ The lucky motorist readily agrees, climbs into the vehicle and begins shagging the insatiable girl. While he is banging away in the doggy position, a policeman shines a torch through the window. ‘What do you think you’re doing there?’ he asks the man, who replies, ‘I’m making love to my wife.’ The policeman looks bemused and says, ‘Why don’t you do it at home?’ The man answers, ‘Well, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shone the torch on her.’



Open question

A couple of newlyweds are strolling along the beach one morning on honeymoon in Australia. Suddenly the husband spots a fat woman, stark naked, sitting legs akimbo, gorging herself on a fresh watermelon. Excited, he imagines his wife in the same position, and asks her if she would like to feel the sea breeze wafting between her legs? The wife looks at him in disgust. The next day, they take the same walk, and sure enough the naked woman is there again slobbering over a slice of watermelon. Unperturbed by his wife’s earlier refusal, the husband asks again if his bride would like to adopt the large woman’s stance and feel the cool air circulate against her fanny? Again, she declines. This happens everyday for two weeks, until the very last day, when yet again they spot the naked, fat woman. ‘Don’t you want to know how it feels to have your privates cooled by the salty air?’ the husband enquires. And again his missus gets the hump. ‘Well, if you’re not prepared to try it, why don’t you ask her how it feels and see if she can persuade you?’ Reluctantly his wife agrees and walks over to the open-legged bloater. ‘Er, excuse me, but my husband and I were wondering how it must feel to have the sea breeze wafting over your vagina?’ she asked nervously. ‘Ah, strewth, I don’t know,’ says the woman. ‘But it sure keeps the flies off my watermelon.’



Going bats

Two bats are out searching for a midnight feed. After a while they reunite at the belfry. Boris is still starving, not having found a thing to eat. But Brian comes in licking his lips, fresh blood oozing from his mouth and fangs. ‘Wow,’ exclaims Boris. ‘I couldn’t even find a mouse to eat. Where on earth did you get all that from?’ ‘Come on, I’ll show you,’ replies Brian, and off they venture into the night. After a few moments, Brian slows to a hover and whispers, ‘Right. See that tree?’ ‘Uh-huh,’ murmurs Boris. ‘I didn’t,’ says Brian.


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - The Auto-Ban Man)

[Dallara]

More Blonde Jokes...

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!


Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

http://www.kellys.com/images/blonde1.jpg Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.


Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

http://www.kellys.com/images/blonde2.jpg Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.



Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!

http://www.kellys.com/images/blonde3.jpg Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.




Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...


Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're screwed.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.


Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Proud to be Banned Where Mods Think They're Gods)

[Rchop]

http://members.cox.net/frsengineering/image013.jpg

[1MPH]

:) :teeth: :)

[Dallara]

Some more jokes...



An Essex girl goes to the local social benefits office to claim her family allowance, and tells the officers that she has ten children. ‘Wow!’ says the clerk. ‘What are their names?’ ‘Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne,’ the woman answers, smiling proudly. The man looks at her dubiously. ‘Really?’ he says. ‘So what if you want them to come in from playing outside?’ ‘That's easy – I just shout Wayne and they all come running,’ answers the woman. The clerk is not convinced. ‘And what if you want them to come to the table for dinner?’ he asks. ‘Again,’ says the claimant, ‘I just shout 'Wayne – dinner's ready!'’ ‘But wait a minute,’ says the man, his brow furrowed. ‘What if you just want one of them to do something?’ ‘That is slightly more difficult,’ says the woman, nodding. ‘Then I have to use their last names.’



A dog walks into the Job Centre and asks the man at the counter if they have any vacancies. The man is stunned. ‘You’re a talking dog!’ he cries. ‘What a wonderful talent you have. I’m sure we can find work for you no problem.’ At this the dog becomes agitated. ‘Look,’ he says. ‘Don’t mess with me about. Have you got any jobs or not?’ ‘Okay,’ says the man. ‘Just sit tight. I’ll make a call and I’ll have you working in no time.’ With that the man phones Billy Smart’s Circus. ‘I’ve got a talking dog here,’ the man says to Billy. ‘Can I send him down to you?’ Billy is ecstatic. ‘All my life I’ve been looking for a talking dog,’ he says. ‘You get him down here tomorrow morning and he can name his wage.’ The dog’s still wary. ‘What will I be doing for Mr Smart?’ he asks. The man is puzzled. ‘I imagine you’ll be the Talking Dog in the circus,’ he says. ‘Oh, that’s no good to me, mate,’ the dog says. ‘I’m a plumber.’



Hoping to start breeding pigs, a farmer goes out and buys some of the finest sows he can find. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant. He calls a vet, who informs him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what the vet means by this, but undeterred, he asks how he will know when his new purchases have become pregnant. He explains that his pigs will stop standing there and lay down and start rolling around in the mud. Giving it some thought, the dumb farmer concludes that artificial insemination must require him impregnating his livestock himself – so he loads them into the truck and drives them out into the woods to have sex with them all. The next morning, the farmer looks out of the window only to see his pigs standing around in the field. Desperately, he takes them out to the woods again and bangs them all twice for good measure before retiring to bed. The next morning, he wakes up to find the pigs still standing around in the field. ‘One more try,’ he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls straight asleep. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself to look at the pigs, so he asks his wife to look out and see if they're lying in the mud. ‘No’, she says. ‘They're all in the back of the truck and one of them's honking the horn.’



Father Patrick was talking to his replacement in a small village church. ‘Father Michael,’ he says, ‘you’ll be looking after my flock from now on.’ ‘But where do I start?’ the young priest replies. ‘You’ve been hearing confessions for over 50 years, I’ll be lost.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ says Father Patrick, ‘I’ve written a list of sins and absolutions on the wall in the confessional box. Look up the sin and it will tell you next to it what to say. After a while you’ll get to know the congregation and you’ll be okay.’ One week later, Father Michael is sitting in the confessional box looking at his mentor’s list when his first visitor arrives. ‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,’ says a female voice. ‘I had to give my husband a blowjob last night.’ The priest searches the wall but can’t find the correct reply anywhere. In desperation he pulls open the curtain of the box and stops a choirboy. ‘Oi! What did the old priest give for a blowjob?’ ‘A Candy Bar,’ the lad replies.



A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’ goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s wards. The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: ‘Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!’



A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the vehicle that knocked her down comes to her help. ‘Are you all right, love?’ he asks. ‘You’re just a blur,’ she says. ‘So my sight is clearly affected.’ Very concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight. ‘How many fingers have I got up?’ he asks her. ‘Oh shit!’ she replies. ‘I must be paralysed from the waist down as well.’



A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting on her own. Thinking quickly he buys a drink and goes over to sit next to her. ‘Hello,’ he says, ‘Can I show you something?’ The woman looks him up and down. ‘Okay,’ she says, ‘What is it you want to show me?’ The man rolls up his sleeve and points to his watch. ‘You see this watch?’ he says. ‘It enables me to tell anything about the person I am talking to without asking them a single question.’ ‘Rubbish,’ the woman replies, ‘Your watch can’t tell you anything about me.’ ‘Right,’ the man says, and he stares intently at the watch for a few seconds, ‘I can tell you haven’t got any panties on.’ ‘Sorry,’ the woman replies, ‘But your watch must be broken. I’ve got panties on.’ The man looks at his watch in confusion, then gradually a smile of recognition spreads across his face. ‘Oh, that’s right,’ he says, ‘I set it ten minutes fast this morning.’



Cursed with a bald head and a wooden leg, a man is surprised to learn that he’s been invited to a fancy dress party. Deciding that he might pull it off if he wears a costume to hide his head and leg, he writes to a theatrical outfitters asking them for advice. A few days later, he receives a parcel from the company with a note that says, ‘Dear sir. Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a buccaneer.’ Unfortunately, the man finds this deeply insulting, as they have so clearly emphasized his wooden leg, so he fires off a letter of complaint. A week passes before the postman delivers another parcel with a note that reads, ‘Dear sir, sorry about our previous suggestion – please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.’ This infuriates the man again, because they have simply switched from emphasizing his wooden leg to his balding head, so he writes the company another letter of complaint. The next day he receives a tiny parcel and a hastily scrawled note, which reads: ‘Dear sir, please find enclosed a can of caramel. Pour it over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple, you grumpy twat.’



Three guys check into a hotel, but the clerk tells them that, because the lodge is fully booked, they’ll all have to share a bed. However, being completely exhausted, they decide to take it. Next morning, the guy who slept on the left says, ‘Wow, I had the weirdest, most vivid dream. I dreamt I was having a wank!’ The bloke on the right says, ‘You too?’ The guy in the middle says, ‘You’re both disgusting. I had an ordinary dream. I dreamt I went skiing.’



After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he’s showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them – all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge Daddy bears on the very top shelf. Surprised, the woman still decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, ‘Well, how was it?’ ‘Well,’ says the man, frowning. ‘You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.’



A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story. Driving through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself.
"Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made you happy?". "Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. "One time my neighbour's daughter, got lost. So we formed a posse, we eventually found her. After we all screwed her, we took her home."
The young journo blanched. "I can't print that!". "Has anything else happened?" The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We found it and all screwed it before we took it back home."
"Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either!". "OK - has anything around here that made you particularly sad?"
The old man looked at the ground. "Well," he said sheepishly. "I got lost, once."




Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - Proud to be Banned Where Mods Think They're Gods)

[brooksie]

http://www.wimp.com/bushcomedy/

[DarthRider]

Here's one for DJ!

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[TorqueMonsterMT-01]

That's just mean dave. ...........I like it!:045:

[DJ Down Under]

Thanks Darth...the new Casanova movie has the same joke in it..well almost.

He stands at the door with a pig under his arm as a gift and she says "the animal can't come in"...but the pig can..:037:

DJ

[LesKoh]

Wonder if this could really work:

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[1MPH]

:icon_lol: :icon_biggrin: :005:

[GPM]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it........the parrot .

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day..... and then 2 days... and then 3 days...

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......

.

.

.

.

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

[1MPH]

:003: :eusa_clap:

[Boxerboy]

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the European Union
rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted
a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make
words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil
sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.

[Dallara]

Outstanding, Boxerboy!!! :eusa_clap:

One of the vry bst things Ive red al yer!

Cheer!

Allan (Dallara)

[Deans BMW]

Texas Drinking Rules



A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America!

[JCsman]

A little girl goes with her father as he gets a hair cut. She stands right beside the barber chair eating a small cake.

The barber leans over and says, "Honey, do you know you're going to get hair on your muffin?"

"Yes", said the girl, "and I'm going to get tits too".

[DarthRider]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog
sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story..


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Just ask Dean-O...

Dave

[Deans BMW]

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!


Trurer words were never spoken :028:

[huffergasen]

Parking

One evening a policeman was patrolling the area of town used by young people for "parking." As he approached a field surrounded by trees, he spotted a car in the middle of the field with its interior lights on. A young man was in the driver's seat, apparently reading something, and a young woman was in the passenger seat working on something with her hands.

The policeman walked up to the drivers side of the vehicle and motioned for the young man to lower the window. After the young man did so, the policeman inquired, "What are you doing?" The young man replied, "Isn't it obvious, I'm reading a magazine."

"Well, what is she doing?" the policeman asked. "I believe she is knitting a wool pullover," replied the young man.

"How old are you?", the policeman asked. "I'm 22" replied the young man. "How old is she?" the policeman demanded to know. The young man then looked at his watch and replied, "Well, in 20 minutes she'll be 18."

[GPM]

From my wife, I don't think its particularly funny.....

Oil Change Instructions

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1-Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2-Drink a cup of coffee.
3-15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


================================================== ========

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1-Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2-Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.
3-Drive home.
4-Open a beer and drink it.
5-Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6-Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7-In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8-Place drain pan under engine.
9-Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
10-Give up and use crescent wrench.
11-Unscrew drain plug.
12-Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
13-Cuss.
14-Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
15-Have another beer while watching oil drain.
16-Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
17-Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
18-Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
19-Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
20-Drink a beer.
21-Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
22-Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
23-Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
24-Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
25-Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
26-Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
27-Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
28-Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
29-Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
30-Remember drain plug from step 12.
31-Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
32-Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
33-Drink beer.
34-Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
35-Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
36-Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.
37-Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas
38-Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
39-Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
40-Drink beer.
41-Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
42-Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
43-Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 32.
44-Begin cussing fit.
45-Throw stupid crescent wrench.
46-Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
47-Beer.
48-Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
49-Beer.
50-Beer.
51-Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
52-Beer.
53-Lower car from jack stands.
54-Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
55-Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
56-Beer.
57-Test drive car.
58-Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
59-Car gets impounded.
60-Call loving wife, make bail.
61-12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[BobFV1]

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

Damn - That's not true???

[popgazer]

A woman visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem, replied the doctor. Drop it into
his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went."

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor." "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?" "Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

[1MPH]

:icon_lol: :044: :038:

[popgazer]

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

The moral of the story, "Never lie to kids" !!!!!. Especially a Girl !!!!!!!!!

[popgazer]

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of
the Australian equivalent of the Workers' CompensationBoard.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir,

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details
will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks
down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was
attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.


Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was
now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however,
the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine,
I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles,
broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

[1MPH]

:) :) :) :) :) :)

[BobFV1]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."

[1MPH]

:) :icon_mrgreen: :044:

[DarthRider]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local
liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.


She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."



"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."



The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."



She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"



The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[1MPH]

:eusa_clap: :041: :041: :082:

[DarthRider]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh
and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy
next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is
a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you
got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It
was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket
counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts
in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two
tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
pickets to Tittsburgh, so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a
tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted
to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Cheerios,
honey." But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch!!!"

[1MPH]

:045: :eusa_clap: :043:

[BobFV1]

Here - just to give a great thread more visibility - post away! And thanks to 1MPH for keeping our days bright with these posts!:)

[JCsman]

A ten year old girl goes up to her mother and asks, "Mom, is it true that babies come out of you the same place that boys put their pee-pees?"

The mother is rather taken aback, but decides to answer honestly, "Yes, dear, they do."

"Well then", continues the child, "won't it knock your teeth out giving birth?"

[popgazer]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily; "fix the light? now?! does it look like i have a g.e.logo printed on my forehead? i don't think so!"
The wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close right." to which he replied, "fix the fridge door? does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead? i don't think so."
"fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? they're about to break."
"i'm not a dang carpenter and i don't want to fix steps," he says. "does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead?! i don't think so. i've had enough of you. i'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
Soon, he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. as he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?" she said, "well, when you left i sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. he offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "hellooooo.......do you see betty crocker written on my forehead? i don't think so!"
===========

[R1150R in Africa]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm not as fit as I used to be and I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's quite a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

...so I told her to f*ck off.

[1MPH]

:) :) :045: :045:

[popgazer]

Three friends-two straight guys and a gay guy-and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either.
You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "This is not looking good, Dick."

[1MPH]

:082: :081: :043:

[popgazer]

This one happened at Harvard University in a biology class:

The professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"

"That is correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again the girl asked "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl's face turned bright red, as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... "because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat".

[1MPH]

:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

[popgazer]

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the answer. in a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her & asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, "Why yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you
since you were a young boy, & frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people & talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room & asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, & he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone & his law practice is on
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
w/three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.:

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, & in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I"ll
throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

[1MPH]

:) :003: :082: :043:

[popgazer]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her was a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
shit when you hear the price."

[Deans BMW]

Caution, not PC in the least


How the Jews Got the 10 Commandments


God went to the Arabs and said, "I have commandments for you that will make your lives better." The Arabs asked, "what are commandments?" The Lord said, "they are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? we're not interested."

So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."
__________________

[fganger]

Subject: Dog's Diary vs. Cat's Diary

The dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

The cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "Allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

[BobFV1]

Frank - thanks for the morning chuckle! I hate cats! :037:

[DarthRider]

"...Frank - thanks for the morning chuckle! I hate cats!..."

Frank - thanks for the morning chuckle! I love cats!

Dave

[DJ Down Under]

Jack..that last one is a ripper..:003:

DJ

[DarthRider]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the spreading legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night. "

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[1MPH]

:082: :082: :081: :081: :005: :005: :043: :043:

[DarthRider]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's
that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it
out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home,
feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being
too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start
work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.You drink like a fish, party your time away, and chase anything that moves - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?

Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school,you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby ("lunch" is great!), then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!
Hear, Hear!

Dave

[1MPH]

Dave, If Hollywood reads this I think there'll be a movie. Maybe you should submit a script. :)

[DarthRider]

Jack, you're right...it would make a *great* movie. Robin Williams? Tom Hanks?
I don't know who wrote it, sounds like george Carlin...wish it had been me!

Dave

[fganger]

Jack,
:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

I had to sent that to my "e-mail gang." Just great.

Frank

[MidlifeMark]

Me too. :)

[Gord]

Oh, yeah. We need a humor forum, for sure!

Well I have been negligent following up this particular thread. Why? Because I thought it was an academic discussion of the need to create a separate section in the Cafe for jokes and amusing anecdotes. I thought perhaps that someone might be suggesting that we should be submitting material of a possibly humourous nature in the appropriate category and that without a humour category we might possibly be exposing humourless people to the outside chance that they might accidently through no fault of their own see something that might be possibly cause them to perhaps unwantingly smile or smirk in which case it might ruin their life. So best that we isolate all humour in a section that could be knowingly avoided by the humourless. Which is partly why I placed the designation "TFSFWNITOA" on this post. It is the acronym for "Totally Fucking Safe For Work, Not Intended To Offend Anyone"

[Deans BMW]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in
Texas. Ray
had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears
them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and
says to his wife, "Notice anything different about
me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom,
undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except the cowboy
boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice
anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's
hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll
be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING
DOWN,BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT
MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray.
Shoulda bought a hat."

[1MPH]

:028: :044: :044:

[DarthRider]

Dean-O :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

[popgazer]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies
are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So.what'll it be?"


The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle
East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."


The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years..
I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,
romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in
bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."


The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

[popgazer]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed
the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, a! nd put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with
our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so
I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, It is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?"! I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole
#2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then I hung up! and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West
34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really
works.

[DarthRider]

Way to go Pop!
What a classic.

Dave

[1MPH]

:D :teeth: :005: :005: :044: :036: :081: :081: :icon_biggrin: :046:

[BobFV1]

http://r1150r.smugmug.com/photos/60291306-S.jpg

[DJ Down Under]

While walking through the local golf course a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,

"This just isn't gonna be your day..."

:icon_biggrin: :icon_biggrin: :icon_biggrin: :icon_biggrin: :icon_biggrin:

[Road Dog]

Subject: "Ed Zachary Disease"



A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass
to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK,
now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his
head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse
case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

[fganger]

"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."


:eusa_clap: :icon_lol: :048: :038:

[DarthRider]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked
under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and
tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting
you want".

"What chou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and hoping to
impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try
somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries...

"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"

[Acacia]

DO YOU KNOW ME ?

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

[DarthRider]

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the
tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men
have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"



His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a
poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and
repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our
makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,
because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in
the lake.

"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was
born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the
world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the
life force of our people.

"It's very simple and easy to understand.

"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China.

[1MPH]

:) :) :)

[DarthRider]

An elderly man walked into a confessional booth.
The following conversation ensued:

Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

[Rchop]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hilary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hilary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, he started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hilary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear......

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

:058: :058:

[DarthRider]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[DarthRider]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men  along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and  he got out to investigate. 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.  "We have to eat grass."  

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.  "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under  that tree."  

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
 
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife  and  six children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large  as  the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us  with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.The grass  is almost a foot high."

[DarthRider]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts
for a 100 dollars?"

"Are you nuts?!?" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for a 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you... I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" And she walks off again.

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts, just once, for 10,000 dollars?" Here she stops and thinks about it for a while, then she says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

[1MPH]

:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

:110: :110: :110:

:082: :082: :082:

[DJ Down Under]

:082: :082: :082: :082: :082: :082: :082: :082: :082: :082::082: :082: :082: :082: :082:

Dj

[DJ Down Under]

Someone out there either*has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see*the last one)!*


*DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

*PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


*DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


*THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

*SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


*ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


*MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

*SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


*A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

*THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
*
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

*
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[Deans BMW]

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :041: :dance: :angel: :023: :023:

[Promethean]

Awesomeness!!!! :eusa_clap:

[DarthRider]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher,
was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a
slide rule and calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General
Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member
of the notorious al-gebra movement.
The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of
math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes,
and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
"There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons
of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes.

[1MPH]

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons
of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes.


:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

[DarthRider]

Yup...he has to drop his pants to count to 21.

Dave

[JCsman]

Yup...he has to drop his pants to count to 21.

Dave
If that's the last thing you use to count, John Kerry would have to stop at one.

(But at least he's a big 'un.)

[DJ Down Under]

Smoking kills... http://exodus.interoutemediaservices.com/?id=13a3a327-b157-420b-b0ce-377cb29a35bc&delivery=stream

DJ

[Rchop]

From Homeland Security...Have you seen this Person? http://www.frsengineering.com/SNL-RobertDeNiro.WMV

[DarthRider]

How to treat a woman:

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.


Dave

[Promethean]

Dave,
You forgot beer.:)

[DarthRider]

And beer!

Dave

[1MPH]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world . . . . I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

[DarthRider]

Yuk, yuk, yuk!:icon_lol:

Dave

[fganger]

As an FYI:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled.:104:

______________ ______________ ______________


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, but they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in. We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

______________ ______________ ______________
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night.

[DarthRider]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, Quick, bring me a beer before it starts. She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, Quick, bring me another beer. Its going to start. This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it
was gone, he said, Quick, another beer before it starts.
That's it! She blows her top, You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?

The husband sighed. Damn, its started.

Dave

[DarthRider]

Three Rednecks were working on the Spectrasite cell phone
tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.  Steve falls off and is killed
instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone
should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll
do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that beer, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was
dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says.  "When she answered the
door,  I  said to her, You must be Steve's widow'."  She
said, "No, I'm not a widow.".... then I said ...

"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

[DarthRider]

The Shortest Fairy Tale Ever Told
Give Love A Try!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went riding, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END

[DarthRider]

A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"You gave me the wrong key."

[AZBMWRIDER]

This is hilarious...Turn up your volume and watch. :eusa_clap:

I'm going to try this on my wife today!!! :098:

She’s going to be pissed… :076:


http://www.metacafe.com/watch/101948/household_tips_from_adult_film_stars

[Gord]

Not sure if this is a joke, or the truth. But it made me laugh!

Doctors

The number of doctors in Canada is 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%

Statistics courtesy of the Canadian Dept of Health & Human Services

Guns

The number of guns owned in Canada is 80,000,000 (yes, that's 80 million)
The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%

Statistics courtesy of the RCMP

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention. Then we would be in real trouble.

[DJ Down Under]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

As funny as that sounds it may be true...the fitter you are,the slower your resting heart rate is...so it may equal out.

The doctors at work sometimes say "you've only got so many heart beats so don't use them up too soon"

DJ

[GPM]

Jack,

You were the King of the Humor Forum until that one. Jeez, duck jokes.....

:043:

[DarthRider]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
fuck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.

[Rchop]

Subject: History of Mayonnaise





Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,

which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,

and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course,

as

Sinko de Mayo :028: :028: :028:

[DJ Down Under]

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also.

Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees?!"

Some things are sacred....:003:

DJ

[1MPH]

:yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:
:044: :044: :044:

[DarthRider]

On the last day of his trip, the priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded
to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that
Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest.* Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really?* Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.* What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course.* You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a
Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his
trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course.* The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a
Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit
in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing
Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops'
dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no! no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and
that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish
was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You motherfuckers are my kind of people."

[1MPH]

:023: :023: :023:

[Gord]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.



"My name is Puddles."

[Gord]

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. He's looking around the bar and notices this drop dead gorgeous woman sitting at the far end of the bar.

"Give her whatever she's having, on my tab, will you?" says the guy to the bartender.

"You're wasting your time," says the bartender.

"Just do it," the guy replies.

So the bartender serves the woman her drink. She looks down the bar at the guy, lifts her glass in a toast and mouths "thank you" to him.

A little while later, the guy says to the bartender, "I'll have another. And pour another one for the lady too."

"You're wasting your time," says the bartender.

"Why do you keep telling me that?" asks the guy.

"Well I know you are trying to hit on her and it won't work. You see, she's a lesbian," answers the bartender.

"A lesbian? What's that?" asks the guy.

"You better ask her," answers the bartender, somewhat surprised.

So the guy picks up his drink, saunters down the bar to where the gorgeous lesbian is sitting, sits down beside her.

"Thanks for the drinks," she smiles.

"My pleasure," the guy replied as he admired her body. "But tell me one thing. The bartender keeps telling me I am wasting my time buying you drinks because you are a lesbian. What's a lesbian?"

Somewhat shocked by the question, the woman surveys the bar and spies a stunning blonde standing in a back corner. "Well," she said, "see that blonde over there. A lesbian would walk over there, lift up that tight fitting T-shirt of hers, and start pinching her nipples and fondling her breasts. A lesbian would lean in, nibble on her ear, run a tongue down her neck. Slowly kiss between her breasts, lapping up the saltiness of her sweat. A lesbian would get down on their knees, gently tongue her belly button as they pulled down her shorts and panties. And then a lesbian would work their way into the hot delight nestled between her thighs. That is what a lesbian is."

She looked at the guy and saw this shock, horrified look on his face.

"Oh my God," he said, "I think I'm a lesbian too!"

[1MPH]

:016: :016:

:043: :043:

:081: :081:

[DJ Down Under]

How to Solve the Airline Industry Crisis

TO: Federal Aviation Administration

Our airline industry is in real trouble, and it's time to start fixing this before it's too late. To that end, here are some modest suggestions:

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss.

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[Capt. Blackadder]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The man, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350."
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500." The father says, "That's terrible, to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now."

[1MPH]

:icon_lol: :044: :036: :081:

[Acacia]

1mph!

Where do you get all these jokes, man? You seem to have an endless supply of them!

This humor blend always puts a smile on my face!

Thank you , and keep them coming. :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

[Deans BMW]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION
>
> 1. The sport of choice for the
> urban poor is BASKETBALL.
>
> 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
>
>
> 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
>
>
> 4 The sport of choice for supervisors
> is BASEBALL.
>
>
> 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
>
> and........
>
> 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is
> GOLF.
>
>
> THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
>
>
> The higher you go in the corporate structure,
>
> the smaller your balls become.

[AZBMWRIDER]

This is the type of person that doesn’t know, nor likes riding motorcycles with ABS....!!!!

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c11/Marzmazingmaze9/getimg.gif

:097: :097: :097:


This is a person who found a new hobby after refusing to ride motorcycles with ABS....!!!!
(But I think it's more of a Pride issue..?) :045:

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e314/jewels_ela/chrisfarley.gif

:097: :097: :097:

Hilarious....:eusa_clap: Hilarious....:eusa_clap: Hilarious....:eusa_clap:

[Cheesedick]

La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha
La Da Da Da-Da-Da-Da!


Cheesedick, no longer just talking to myself!

[Dallara]

Oh, no...

Methinks I've struck a nerve with Mike/BMWK1200RS.

QUICK...


http://lightsout.onestop.net/ambulence.jpg




Geez, talk about not knowing... Mike, I used to sell lots and lots of bikes equipped with ABS... Mostly to people like this

http://lightsout.onestop.net/geek.jpg


Or this


http://lightsout.onestop.net/whowants.jpg


or this


http://www.rickywolking.com/news/uploads/HEAD-UP-YER-ASS.jpg


Or this


http://sasisa.ru/news/data/upimages/posts/idiot.jpg



Hell, some of them even made the cover of international magazines. Take these for example...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/assmaster.jpg

http://lightsout.onestop.net/assmaster2.jpg

http://lightsout.onestop.net/assmaster3.jpg

http://lightsout.onestop.net/assmaster7.jpg

http://lightsout.onestop.net/assmaster8.jpg



Why just the other day I saw a thread on some BMW board where some guys with their servo-assisted ABS-equipped BMW's were discussing the finer points of why they just loved having a computer do their braking for them. Here are some of the pics those guys posted of themselves, locked in furious debate over whether BMW should try for more *feel* and less of a *woodeness* to the brake lever...

http://ikeepadiary.com/diary/2003/12_grant_gets_gay/images/IMG_5595.jpg

http://ikeepadiary.com/diary/2003/12_grant_gets_gay/images/IMG_5598.jpg

http://ikeepadiary.com/diary/2003/12_grant_gets_gay/images/IMG_5606.jpg

http://ikeepadiary.com/diary/2003/12_grant_gets_gay/images/IMG_5605.jpg


They sure seem to enjoy a certain type of *lock-up* with each other, though, don't they? But as Bob would say "Not that there's anything wrong with that..."

However, as for me...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/marlboro.jpg


But to each his own...

I actually enjoy being a male stripper in my spare time. Do you have any idea how many GORGEOUS WOMEN want to bang your lights out when you're a male stripper? But then, I like women.

Whereas, like Eric Estrada says...

http://www.forumspile.com/Gay-You_still_are.jpg



But basically, people who have blind devotion to BMW's perverse and idiotic servo-assisted ABS system are apparently just handicapped, and can't help it... But down here in Texas we call a spade a spade, and believe in survival of the fittest, without computer systems trying to band-aid riders who don't know how to use their brakes. This picture probably says it best how skilled riders feel about posers who don't want to take the time or effort to learn proper braking techniques...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/handicapped.jpg




But I guess it's okay... Certain riders simply like to cling to BMW's marketing hype, hoping that BMW's seeds of wisdom will bath them in safety. Here's an example...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/hangnuts.jpg



But I do want you to know that I...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/inspector.jpg


Still, I think you should...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/cry.jpg



Besides, I think I hear something... Yes, I do... It's...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/momcalling.jpg



BTW, there are far more creative ways to say...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/signlanguage.jpg

...than with those emoticons.


In the end, it simply comes down to this. If you really are a huge fan of BMW's servo-assisted brakes, then you are obviously fall into the category of...

http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/9159/graphics/posters/inept.jpg



Well, been nice chatting with you, BMWK1200RS...

http://lightsout.onestop.net/zinglogo.jpg


But I gotta' go now and disable the ABS on my Yamaha FJR-1300...

Cheers!

Allan (Dallara - NAABSCD)


ps - and remember, this is a HUMOR thread...

[Road Dog]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today!"

[DarthRider]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear and then I began to read to my bear from the HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praying.
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in bad shape...................
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it... circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[1MPH]

:042: :042: :042:

:044: :044: :044:

:081: :081: :081:

[AZBMWRIDER]

****(Why motorcycles are better than women)****


Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.

You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.

You can choke your motorcycle.

Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.

Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.

Motorcycles don't snore.

Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.

Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.

You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.

If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

Motorcycles don't get pregnant.

Motorcycles don't have parents.

Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

Motorcycles last longer.

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

Motorcycles' curves never sag.

New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.

When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.

You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.

You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.

You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are
equals.

You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is REALLY worn.

Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

Your Motorcycle doesn't care what you're wearing when you take it out.

You love buying RUBBER for your bike when you want to go on a long and hard ride.

One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.

Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.

Motorcycles always sound pleasant.

The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots.

:eusa_clap:

[NoRRmad]

What? Could you repeat that? :)

[fganger]

A successful Montana rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

:)

[1MPH]

:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

:icon_mrgreen: :icon_mrgreen: :icon_mrgreen:

:thumbs_up: :023: :thumbs_up:

[DarthRider]

WalMart  Greeter

A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her
two kids.

The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's  9 and the younger one,
she's  7. Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice"!

[1MPH]

:037: :037: :037:

:046: :043: :005:

[DarthRider]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom! I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:

This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

[DarthRider]

"...This would be funny if it was not true..."

No kidding!

[DarthRider]

Jack, I think Mr. Fenton is *our* kind of guy!

[DarthRider]

CIVIL SERVICE JOB INTERVIEW

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."

[Dallara]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3.Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rule s of
life really are:

You o! nly need two too ls: WD-40 and Duct Tape:
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the ducttape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan

[1MPH]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.




:037: :037: :037:

:003: :003: :003:

:046:mao

[DarthRider]

"...25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid..."

That lady is also psychic...I was already planning that for after work today!

[fganger]

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to A Military
Induction Center, and, because he was a good talker, they
assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the
government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which
they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center
began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up
for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees
nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage
than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the
room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees
and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to
Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary
$6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance. which will
cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government
pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch of soldiers do you
think they're gonna send into combat first?"

Makes sense to me - :)

[1MPH]

:) :eusa_clap: :)

[DarthRider]

Why am I tired?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or
anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. .
The population of this country is 273 million. 273,000.000
140 million are retired. -140,000,000
That leaves 133 million to do the work. 133,000,000
There are 85 million in school. -85,000,000
Which leaves 48 million to do the work. 48,000,000
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
-29,000,000
Leaving 19 million to do the work. 19,000,000
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden. -2,800,000
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work 16,200,000
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state/city
governments. -14,800.000
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 1,400,000
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. -188,000
Leaving1,212,000 to do the work. 1,212,000
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. -1,211,998
That leaves just two people to do the work. 2
You and me.
And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

[1MPH]

Yea but I was working while you were writing, so we are even. :icon_smile:

[TorqueMonsterMT-01]

Dave, my only task is to find something for you to do. It sounds like you're screwed!

[TorqueMonsterMT-01]

A boy and girl whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when the boy saw a whaling ship on the horizon.

The boy whale said to the girl whale "That's the ship that killed my dad, let's go swim under it and blast them with our blow holes!"

They did. The ship capsized and the crew were swimming frantically.

The boy whale said "Let's go eat them all!"

The girl said "Hey, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"

[1MPH]

:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

:) :) :)

[DarthRider]

The Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After Broke Dick Mountain:


1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

[1MPH]

:icon_mrgreen: :badgrin: :044: :005: :D :081: :082: :045:

[fotomoto]

Worst album covers ever!

[DarthRider]

Dayam!

[DJ Down Under]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get intothe men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies roomonly if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he hadpromised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? Hecouldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nicefeeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replacedthe warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed hisbottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievablepleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR buttonwhich he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes and he was in a hospital bed, and anurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing theATR button. The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.Your penis is under your pillow."

[1MPH]

:104: :104: :104: :) :) :)

[TorqueMonsterMT-01]

A 90 year old man went to the sperm bank to make a donation. The early 20's girl behind the desk snickered a little and gave him a small jar for the sameple and then pointed him to the restroom.

10 minutes went by. During this time, the girl called some of her colleagues and made some jokes.

20 minutes went by and she started to worry.

After 30 minutes, she was really worried. She knocked on the door and asked the man if he was OK.

He opened the door and replied...

"I pulled it, I twisted it, i stretched it, I ran it under cold water, I ran it under hot water, I banged it on the wall, I squeezed it every way I know how........

.....


.......


......and I still can't get the lid off of this damn jar!

[TorqueMonsterMT-01]

A man held the elevator door for a woman that was running toward it. When he asked what floor she wanted, she replied, "The second floor please. The clinic is paying 20 dollars for a blood doation on the second floor."

The man said, "Interesting, they are paying fifty dollars for a sperm donation on the fifth floor."

A few days later the man held the elevator door again for the same woman. When he asked what floor she wanted, the woman, with bulging cheeks, held up five fingers

[DarthRider]

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said, "We Greeks invented sex!"

The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

[DarthRider]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a

busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow,

just in front of him.

He did the right thing,  stopping at the crosswalk,

even though he could have beaten  the red  light by

accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious  and honked her horn,

screaming in frustration as she missed her  chance to

get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone

and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she  heard a tap on her

window and looked up into the face of a very serious

police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her  car with her

hands up.

He took her to the  police station where she was

searched, finger printed, photographed, and  placed in

a holding cell.

After a couple of  hours, a policeman approached the

cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking  desk where the

arresting officer was waiting with her personal

effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I

pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your

horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and

cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license  plate holder,

the 'What Would Jesus Do'  bumper sticker, the 'Follow

Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the

chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally...  I assumed you had stolen the car."              

[1MPH]

elevator

:eusa_clap: :) :)

Greek & Italian

:045: :045: :045:

Tailgated:

icon_biggrin: :005: :yahoo:

[jamming]

Seven Kinds of Sex
>>Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
>>
>>The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
>>This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex
>>until you are blue in the face.
>>
>>The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
>>This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
>>so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
>>
>>The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
>>This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
>>gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
>>
>>The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
>>This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
>>each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
>>
>>The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex,
>>which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
>>night.
>>
>>The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
>>This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
>>and screws you in front of everyone.
>>
>>And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
>>Sex.
>>You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.

Roger

[1MPH]

:) :) :) :) :)

[DJ Down Under]

:eusa_clap: ...Women....Sheesh!

DJ

[DarthRider]

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
 
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas!"

[1MPH]

:badgrin: :badgrin: :badgrin:

[DarthRider]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man,  "You appear to be in good health.  
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.  "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.  Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in January.

[DarthRider]

A guy was in line at the supermarket, when he noticed
a beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him. So
he says, "Do I know you?"
She replies... "I may be mistaken, but I think you may
be the father of one of my children.
..........Instantly his mind shoots back to the one
and only time he had been unfaithful.........
"Christ" he says...."Are you the stripper from my
bachelor party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table
in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend
spanked me with wet celery ?
"No" she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade
teacher."

[DarthRider]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot
when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old
guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What
does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look
for yours."

[fganger]

WILL THE MORON PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver; no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[DarthRider]

Little Alfie was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two
people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken back, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Alfie just said, "Oh,
OK"and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you!!"

[fganger]

"Damn women drivers!"

I laughed so hard, the tears went right down my leg.:)

Frank

[fganger]

Where To Live After Retirement

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is when cars are waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbird season.

[DarthRider]

A couple from Texas and a couple from the east coast were seated side by
side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said,
"So, where ya'll from?"
The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya'll from, bitch?

[fganger]

Jack

"Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."
:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

They don't get much better than that.

Frank

[DarthRider]

*
Ozone created by electric cars now killing *millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California. *White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States*crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria*and Lebanon).


Iran*still closed off; physicists estimate it wil l take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France*pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 *lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with *such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

Massachusetts*executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail *clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly *illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 *percent.

Florida*voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[1MPH]

If I make it till 2029 I'll finally be below average for my weight. Come on 2029. Good one Mr. Howe.

[DarthRider]

Hmmm...I sent that one to my wife Jack.
I'm sure she'll have something to say!

[DarthRider]

Ted Nugent on Deer Hunting

He was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother and mommy?'"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way."

[1MPH]

Is that one of those "Funny but true" things?
:) :) :) :) :)

[DarthRider]

I remember one...

If Crusoe'd kept
his chin more tidy.
He might have found
a lady Friday!

[1MPH]

Good one Dave. Think I remember that one.

[Deans BMW]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan,
Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar,
warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues,
Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results,
cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.

It's getting ugly!!!

[Deans BMW]

The girl came skipping home from school one day. >> >
>>"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today,
and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
>>"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
>>The next day the girl came skipping home from school.?
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today,
and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.
See ? A,B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother."Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
>>"Yes, it's because you're blonde." >> > >> >> > >>
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,
and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have
these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed Mother.
>> "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"? >> > >> >> >
>> After some hesitation the mother replied,
>>>"No Honey,it's because you're 24."

[Deans BMW]

Did you hear the one about the little girl asking her mother " can you get pregnant having anal sex?"

Her mother told her "why certainly, where do you think lawyers come from"

[Deans BMW]

What is the definition of macho?...............................





Jogging home after a vasectomy!

[DarthRider]

Dammit Jack...stop that!

[DarthRider]

Jack, you are priceless!
I don't know where the hell you dredge up this stuff but please don't stop!

[AZBMWRIDER]

This is funny...Turn up your volume and click on the link below.:eusa_clap:

Kind of reminds me of the girls from Show Low, AZ.:037:

Fugly!!!

http://www.wwwildcats.com/wav_avi_ect/DUIInfo.wmv

[AZBMWRIDER]

Another funny vid....Turn up your volume and click on the link below...

This reminds me of the girls from Tempe, AZ.:023: :119: :eusa_dance:

Edit:
Link NSFW

http://www.wwwildcats.com/wav_avi_ect/bike.wmv

[AZBMWRIDER]

Remember this short video next time your teenage daughter goes out on a date...its Priceless...:104:

Turn up your volume and watch.

http://www.wwwildcats.com/wav_avi_ect/Priceless.asf

[1MPH]

Vid #1.....That was Miss Showlow

Vid #2.....That girl was imported

Vid #3.....I've got to get an intercom

:thumbs_up: :thumbs_up: :thumbs_up: :thumbs_up: :thumbs_up: :thumbs_up:

[popgazer]

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley." :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

Great! The little boys are safe, now.

[Deans BMW]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder......

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a slinky. They aren't really good for anything but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT

America knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located
among the millions and millions of cows in America, but they haven't got
a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are
located. Maybe the USA should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[Rchop]

:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

Right-on Dean-o

[Boxerboy]

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: IT'S BRAILLE FOR SUCK HERE.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: IT IS THE SAME AS A FRENCH KISS, BUT ONLY DOWN UNDER.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: WHEN THEY COME THEY'RE WILD AND WET, BUT WHEN THEY GO, THEY TAKE YOUR HOUSE AND CAR WITH THEM.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS TO SCRATCH



C&Ped...sorry for the shouting:icon_redface:

[1MPH]

Thanks Boxerboy...You learn something new everyday.

:045: :eusa_clap: :041: :110: :dance: :082: :023: :thumbs_up: :005:

[DarthRider]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...







CELEBRATE!!!"

[DarthRider]

Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British journalist. The
journalist asked,"What do you think the last thought is in the head
of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it
`Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going
to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are
very much like the French in that way."

[DarthRider]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[DarthRider]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
........."You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages!

[DarthRider]

I don't know why people keep sending me these damn old-fart jokes...?



Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."


Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.


"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do i t was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[JCsman]

Uhhhh, Dave, you left off the punch line.

[DarthRider]

Bill -
Fixed!
I think I just figured out why they are sending me the old fart jokes...

[fganger]

Enough of these funny stories, this is quite serious::icon_cry:

Two Ladies Talking in the Afterlife

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


:028:

[DarthRider]

:037: :037: :037: :037: :037:

[1MPH]

:042: :042: :042:
:044: :044:
:036: :036: :036:

nice one Frank.

[AZBMWRIDER]

http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i152/ripley2006/541ec7a6.gif

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h12/zibbyzib2000/7b14d73d.gif

[DarthRider]

Two Al Queda spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

[DarthRider]

A "heads up" for you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy Tee-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 8th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
Again - please beware!!

[DarthRider]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy..................go git cha Momma...............!"

[Promethean]

Hmmm....I seem to recall it as an Amish joke. :)

[DarthRider]

Latest telephone poll results on whether or not people in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona and California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

41%: "Yes, it is a serious problem"

59%: "No habla Ingles"

[DarthRider]

Towards the end of the golf gamee, Dean-O hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a matter of fact; you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF...she was gone! After Dean-O recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Wild Will, where are you?" Will yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows. Dean-O shouts back, "DON'T SWING, WILL; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING"

[Deans BMW]

Now thats funny....................................

[Promethean]

:037: :eusa_clap:

[DarthRider]

:003: :003: :003:

[DarthRider]

Geeze...glad I'm not the only one that people send old fart jokes to.
I think Dean-O writes most of 'em!

[Deans BMW]

But you have to realize that it is pretty cool to wake up each morning with a beautiful new women in bed with you..............................................

Funny how all of them are such good cooks however...............................

[DarthRider]

Atta Boy Jack...a classic!

[DarthRider]

I used to have a Golden retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag
of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again,
although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd
been poisoned. I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking
my balls when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to choke, he
was laughing so hard.

[Promethean]

:eusa_clap:

[Promethean]

:eek2:

[Promethean]

:eusa_clap: :044:

[Promethean]

Jack...you've outdone yourself. :)

[JCsman]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[1MPH]

:badgrin: :042: :036: :lol3: :yahoo: :lol: :yelrotflmao:

[jamming]

Thanks Jack, I just printed the men's rules and hung them up in my office at home. Let there be no mistake!:rofl: :rofl:

Roger

[TorqueMonsterMT-01]

Subject: Engineering minds
> >> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take One
> >> >>
Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
> >> >>
> >> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
> >> >>
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
> >> >>
> >> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
> >> >>
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor s aid, "Good idea, I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
> >> >>

> >> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
> >> >>
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
> >> >>

> >> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
> >> >>
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
> >> >>

>> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
> >> >>
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
> >> >>

> >> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
> >> >>
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet".
> >> >>

>> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
> >> >>
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with
the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah”, if you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and
you can go to the lab and get some work done."
> >> >>

>> >>
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
> >> >>
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you
for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week
and do whatever you want. The engineer smiled again and put the frog back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
> >> >>
> >> >>

[1MPH]

:webers: :040: :003: :023: :042: :icon_lol: :081: :005: :lol8: :lol: :D

[GPM]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually.

HEY!! Now that's just NOT funny!!!!!

[1MPH]

HEY!! Now that's just NOT funny!!!!!



Different Harry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JCsman]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon the Army
barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist
yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

[JCsman]

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

[1MPH]

:lol3: :043: :roflol:

[DarthRider]

A fleeing Al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was
plodding through the desert when he saw something far
off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object,
only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand
selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you
like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist!
I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I
should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will
show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about
two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has
all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

[DarthRider]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[1MPH]

Man Dave I can't believe they threw you out of the SANDBOX.
what were they thinking?

of course all that whining didn't help.

P.S. Welcome back

[popgazer]

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

There are some jokes that make me laugh real hard, but I need to be drunk. This is one of them :smilie_bier2:

[DarthRider]

There are some jokes that make me laugh real hard, but I need to be drunk. This is one of them :smilie_bier2:

Pop, I am delighted to be of service!
And Betty thinks I'm useless...

[DarthRider]

Jack, that is your best one yet!
I sent it on to every woman I know.
I will likely be dead soon...

[jamming]

Jack, that is your best one yet!
I sent it on to every woman I know.
I will likely be dead soon...

Damn Dave, you got some big balls, and yea, it's been nice knowing you.
Have your wife post the funeral arrangments. :rofl: :rofl:

Roger