Jack's Jokes (and contributions by many others too)

[panthercity]

Larry the Cable guy on the Snuggie:

If you're too stupid to operate a blanket your ass deserves to be cold!

[DarthRider]

Love dem boobies!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wFhSbJWWZM

[DarthRider]

Calling in sick...



We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.


Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.


Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!



Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[DarthRider]

Married 30 Years...

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.


The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."

And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

[1MPH]

I asked my wife, "Can you please help me find a match for my sock?"

She answered, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire?"




The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."






A burglar decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

[DarthRider]

"My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

Me too...!

[1MPH]

For Windmill Dave. :)



Medical Pun (a groaner)



A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

.
.
.
.

(OK, you can groan now!)

[DarthRider]

Jack you're killin' me!
(Keep it up...!):020:

[1MPH]

• This extremely well-dressed and successful young executive was driving to a meeting when he found that the front left tire on his Lexus was flat.
• "What am I going to do?" he thought. But then he saw a gas station up ahead. It was a rundown shack with a grizzled man in overalls sitting on a porch with pools of oil, but at least it was a gas station; in the window was a large sign saying "help wanted". The executive drove up and got out of the car and explained the situation.
• "Why sure!" said the mechanic "I'm lookin' for a boy to work for me and help me out, so we're kinda short-handed. . .".
• He looked over the dapper, dignified and impeccably dressed executive's very expensive navy blue pinstriped business suit, his imported silk tie and gleaming cufflinks and white shirt, his polished black shoes, his hundred dollar haircut and his $1500 briefcase.
• "My name is Bud! You must be one of them executives!" said the mechanic. "I can tell by your classy kicks!"
• "My WHAT?" snapped the exec.
• "Your KICKS! Your SHOES! Mighty classy, sir!" grinned the mechanic.
• Yes. . .yes. Well, the FIRST thing people notice are your shoes!" said the executive in a condescending tone, as he straightened his tie and checked the shine on his shoes. "My name is Mr. James Porter. . .I am making an important presentation today! My whole career depends on it. Now please get to work! What are you doing?!"
• Bud was pulling out a huge pail of water. "You get a free car wash today, sir! I sure wish I had a boy to work for me - I gotta do this all myself!"
• "I don't have time for that!" cried Mr. Porter.
• "You wouldn't know anybody who would WORK for me, would you, sir?" asked Bud.
• "NO!" snapped Mr. Porter.
• "I should have known! Somebody who wears classy kicks like you do wouldn't know any grease monkeys!"
• "GET TO WORK" snapped Mr. Porter
• "Now, don't worry! You upper class folks are always worryin'!" And at that moment, Bud's foot hit the pail of water, and it toppled over, completely soaking Mr. Porter's expensively shod feet.
• "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!" yelled Mr. Porter. "My feet are DRENCHED through! SOAKED! Do you know how much these shoes cost! Someone like YOU doesn't have to worry about this!"
• "Oh, sir! Please accept my apology! All over your fancy high class shoes! Well, it's a fine day. . .just take off yer shoes and socks and let them dry! Nobody is gonna see ya!"
• "Take off my shoes and socks! I suppose I have no choice! I'm just glad that my colleagues can't see this!" said Mr. Porter, as he sat on the porch and slowly, grudgingly slid his feet out of his highly polished black Brooks Brothers shoes and then peeled off his business socks. Bud picked up the shoes and whistled with admiration.
• "Mighty fancy!" he said, with a grin. "Ya know, you look like you belong here now that yer barefoot!"
• "Put my shoes down immediately!" said Mr. Porter coldly.
• Mr. Porter carefully arranged his suit and tie as if to make up for the indignity of going barefoot.
• "Lemme show ya somethin', Mister Porter" said Bud, who got into the car and drove it forward - and ran over Mr. Porter's briefcase, ruining it.
• "MY BRIEFCASE!" yelled the businessman.
• "Sorry, sir! But I have to tell ya something!" said Bud, who was bending over the engine.
• "I didn't ask you to look at the engine" shouted Mr. Porter. "You destroyed my briefcase!!"
• "But you got a problem!" said Bud. "Look! Get closer!"
• Mr. Porter leaned over the engine. "I don't see anything. . ."
• "Closer!" said Bud.
• "I still don't. . ." and Mr. Porter began to lift his head, and felt himself stuck.
• "My tie!" he yelled. "My necktie. . .and my suspenders! They're caught in the engine!"
• "Look what ya done, sir! I'll get ya free!"
• "I DIDN'T DO THIS!" yelled Mr. Porter, but he couldn't move at all. His tie and his suspenders had gotten tied up in the engine. . ..Somehow.
• "Now just hold still!" said Bud, and in a moment, Mr. Porter was free, and his tie and suspenders were in Bud's hands.
• "ARE YOU INSANE?!" yelled Mr. Porter. "Give me those. . ."
• "Mr. Porter" said Bud, ignoring the comment. "I'm gonna need yer help in getting' that tire out of the back, and then you gotta help me get the new one - it's underneath an old engine. I can't lift 'em, ya see. I got lumbago. It's too bad I ain't got a boy to work for me!"
• "What?!" said Mr. Porter. "You expect ME to do it? Look at this suit! This is a two thousand dollar suit! It was tailored for me. I can't get it dirty, and this is a silk tie! And a hundred dollar shirt! I'm an executive. . .I don't do menial work. . ."
• "I'm sorry, sir. . ." said Bud. "There's no other way! I know! Why don't ya take off yer nice suit? I got a fine pair of overalls for ya!"
• "This is an outrage!" cried Mr. Porter. "I will NOT take off my suit! I have my dignity and my pride!"
• "Then you'll have yer dignity and yer pride but you won't get a new tire" said Bud.
• Mr. Porter stomped and fumed but finally gave in and angrily stripped off his pinstriped business suit, his cufflinks and his starched white shirt and placed them on a wooden table. Then he put on the greasy overalls and pulled the tire out of the trunk.
• But just then his bare feet hit a patch of oil, and he staggered backwards and fell; the filthy tire fell on top of him. He felt his head hit something soft. Bud ran over and said: "Mr. Porter, it's a good thing your head hit the tar! It broke yer fall!"
• The executive pushed the tire off, and felt the grease, gravel and tar all over his t-shirt and his face. He lifted what had been a manicured hand to his head and felt a mass of something gooey.
• "My hair!" Mr. Porter yelled, as he stood.
• "I gotta cut that tar out, sir! It ain't gonna come out any other way!" and he pulled out some scissors and with a few quick snips, the executive's neat haircut was replaced by a patchy crewcut.
• "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" yelled Mr. Porter.
• "Here, this will calm ya down!" Bud shoved a bottle of whiskey into Mr. Porter's hand and poured solme of it on his shirt.
• "NO!" yelled the executive. "LOOK AT ME, YOU IDIOT!"
• "Leave me alone! Help, police!" screamed Bud. He grabbed Mr. Porter's cell phone and called the police and then called the newspaper.
• In a moment the police were there.
• Bud whimpered: "This man is drunk! Just smell him, officer! And tried to beat me up! and rob the till!"
• "I DID NOT!" shouted Mr. Porter.
• "Assault, robbery, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, drunkenness...you're coming with me!"
• And the policeman dragged the struggling Mr. Porter, barefoot in overalls off to jail.
• The next day the judge prepared to sentence Mr. Porter while they all looked at the newspaper with the headline: Drunk Thief Jailed for Assault and Robbery.
• But Bud said; "Your honor, don't put this man behind bars! He ATTACKED me, but, I'll allow him to make it up to me - I got an idea!"
• A month later, a customer drove up to Bud's and Bud called his new assistant to wait on him. A man in overalls and work boots and a crew cut came out and started to work on the car.
• "JIMMY BOY! Don't forget the oil! You ex-cons are always slow!"
• "YES, SIR!" said Jimmy-boy Porter.
• A Porsche with a "for sale" sign sat outside.
• A help wanted sign lay in the garbage.
• In the window was an Italian pinstriped business suit, a silk tie, a white shirt, and a pair of cuff links with a "for sale" sign.
• "Don't forget what I told ya!" snapped Bud.
• "But, please..." said Jimmy-boy.
• "NOW!" yelled Bud.
• Jimmy-boy sighed and went up to the customer.
• "Sir, we have a special today - with an oil change, you can buy these real cheap."
• He held up a pair of very expensive polished business shoes.
• "These are for sale. One pair of classy kicks - once worn by a former executive - best offer - silk socks included. After all, the first thing people notice are your shoes."

[1MPH]

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."





An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[1MPH]

There were two flea friends that decided to go to Bike Week at Daytona. The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really sick. The first flea asks him why he is so sick. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing." The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a college dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair." So next year the first flea again arrives early. The second flea arrives later and he is sick again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?" The second flea says, "I DID - I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.

[1MPH]

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?" The bike responds, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver says, "No I haven't."

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?" The bike responds, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver says, "No I haven't."

Then, suddenly, there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood and surely dying, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The man replies, "Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years". The biker asks, "Where are the brakes?"

[DarthRider]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site.


The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.


He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'


To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'


To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'


He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'


When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was untouched.


He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'


The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinafella he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere..'


Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'


The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but ah couldna fin' him either.'


The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.


Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,


'SUPPLIES!!! !'

[Sir Limpsalot]

"Supplies" - ho, ho, ho!

[DarthRider]

Alright, enough with the low-brow crap that passes for "Entertainment" here on the Cafe'.
It's time for some class...may I present, "The Crusher"!

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.html

[1MPH]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'


Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'

Wife: Ah...So how much of a raise did you have in mind?'

[Donson]

uh, MORE CRUSHER!!:icon_redface::) :):icon_redface: :icon_redface::)

[DarthRider]

"Hey There, Curley!"

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/hey-curley.html

[1MPH]

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."






The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."




Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step by step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes - one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

[DarthRider]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented Texan voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Goliad Texas , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s John Deere tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again about twenty minutes later.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Well, crap," said Archie, "l'll have at call you back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

[JCsman]

with one clap.

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/photo.jpg

[Deans BMW]

There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was:

"Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end. "

[Donson]

:eusa_clap::eusa_clap::eusa_clap::eusa_clap::eusa_ clap::eusa_clap::eusa_clap::eusa_clap::eusa_clap:: eusa_clap::eusa_clap:

[JCsman]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

[1MPH]

:eusa_clap: :041: :dance: :encore: :023: :nod: :icon_lol: :026: :lol3: :beer: :081:

[JCsman]

TMI

http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/4/2010/11/land-of-the-free.jpg

[DarthRider]

And somewhere in his fetid cave with sat-com & hi-speed Internet and pretty goats, Osama bin Laden is laughing his sorry ass off...

[panthercity]

And somewhere in his fetid cave with sat-com & hi-speed Internet and pretty goats, Osama bin Laden is laughing his sorry ass off...Yep.

Pogo was right.

[DarthRider]

Our poor old "Humor Forum" hasn't seen much love lately, so here's a golden oldie to make you laugh.

DISCLAIMER: This is not intended to spark a religious discussion.
It is not a religious statement.
It is not ignorance based nor disrespectful.
It's just funny...if God didn't have a sense of humor, how do you explain Him creating the human race?


GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!

Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back..
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[panthercity]

A good laugh, even if you’re NOT over 50!

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

[vintagemxr]

Old Rockers Reworded Songs (http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/old-rockers.html)

[1MPH]

Stop that !

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure, madam, which way is it headed?"

[Donson]

"bi-sacksual":):eusa_clap::):eusa_clap::):eusa_clap:

[DarthRider]

Too true to be very funny, but sometimes we just have to laugh at ourselves!







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our " Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.


Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty
--------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a nondrinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

PATTY
---------------------------------- ----------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.


To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.


I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits
as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
--------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

PATTY
--------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.


In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.


Happy Holidays!

Joan

[1MPH]

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

The psychiatrist asks, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

"How's that working?"

Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet," the blonde replies.

"And why do you think that is?"

The blonde says, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

[1MPH]

A man who was involved in a serious accident was unable to speak when he regained consciousness. Wishing to know how long he had been unconscious, he took a piece of paper and a pencil from the bed stand, wrote "Date?" on it and gave it to his nurse.

She handed it back to him - after she had replied with the word "Married."






Harry asked his wife: "Did your leave a tip for the boy who delivers our paper?"

His wife replied: "Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard."








After a basketball game, the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the referee asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

[1MPH]

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and more piercings than they wanted to count.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"








Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I halted your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.



P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!








The following were among winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?--Can you drive a French Motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI--I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM--I think; therefore, I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS--The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID--Honk if you're Scottish.

POSH MORTEM--Death styles of the rich and famous.

HASTE CUISINE--Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE--I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO--A fast retort.

ALOHA OY--Love, greetings, farewell. From such a pain you should never know.

MAZEL TON--tons of luck.

VISA LA FRANCE--Don't leave your chateau without it.

COGITO ERGO SAM--Sam I am (I think)

[1MPH]

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."








My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle.

When I limped into the kitchen, my loving wife took one look and said, "Are those your good pants?"








On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."

After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."

[1MPH]

As a realtor, I deal with all types of people. Recently, I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the magnificent View from the living room.

But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband remarked, "Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."








--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.

The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!

[JCsman]

A farmer was sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. 'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'

'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'

'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'

'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'

'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'

'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'

[panthercity]

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his

driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry weapons license.

"Okay, Mr. Glosson," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Glosson says, "Well, I got a .40-cal Glock semi-auto in my inside coat pocket. There's a .357 Smith & Wesson

revolver in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum Derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a 12-ga. sawed-off shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Glosson, are you on your way to or from a gun range?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of?"

"Not a damn thing."

[1MPH]

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

The words "wrapping paper" do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

[1MPH]

Hope this brings you a chuckle....


http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

[DarthRider]

Wot a hoot!

[DarthRider]

It's late Fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'

[Sir Limpsalot]

'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'

:eusa_clap::eusa_clap::rofl:

[1MPH]

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When she returned to her car she was dismayed to find she had locked her keys inside. Somehow she had to get home to her sick daughter, but she didn't know what to do.

She called home to the baby sitter, who told her that her daughter was getting worse. However, the baby sitter did offer some advice.

"If you could find a coat hanger you may be able to use that to open the door."

The woman obtained an old rusty coat hanger from the pharmacy, but when she got back to her car she looked at the hanger and realized she didn't have a clue how to use the hanger to open the door.

Feeling quite hopeless, she bowed her head and asked God for help. Almost immediately an old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a rag on his head.

The woman thought to herself, "Great. Is THIS what you sent to help me?" But she was desperate, and decided any help was better than no help at all.

The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.

"Yes, my daughter is very sick," the woman replied. "I must get home to her with this medicine, but I can't because I locked my keys in the car. Is there any way you can use this hanger to unlock my car?"

The man walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened. Almost in tears, the woman expressed her appreciation.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH.....You are such a very nice man, and an answer to prayer!"

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."

In even greater appreciation, the woman cried out loud, "THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"







A man with a swollen foot goes to the doctor. After a careful examination, the doctor hands the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

[DarthRider]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Texas and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies..



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[1MPH]

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."








Mom's Definitions

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See"WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair and carpet.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

[panthercity]

So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty .22 rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"

[1MPH]

Q. How do you keep a blonde at home?

A. Build a circular driveway.






A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."






Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.


Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"






A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[1MPH]

Amazing simple home remedies



THESE REALLY WORK!!

I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[1MPH]

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."






Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"






In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did -- and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moment's hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.

An unidentified reader had penned, "Good book, wasn't it?"

[panthercity]

IT humor (BBC style!)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

[1MPH]

Resolutions for 2011--------------------

- Do my taxes......for 2001.

- Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody
hearing.

- Continue to help O.J. find the real killer.

- Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys
at the Pentagon seem to have no sense of humor.

- Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I
purchased never showed up.

- I have been doing a lot of reading about the hazards of chocolate.
For my New Year's resolution, I am quitting it totally. 100%. Completely.
That's right, starting next week absolutely no more reading!

A Look Back at Past Resolutions
-------------------------------

RESOLUTION #1
2004: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2005: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2006: I will read 5 books a year.
2007: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2009: I will read at least one article this year.
2010: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2
2004: I will get my weight down below 180.
2005: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2006: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2007: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2008: I will work out 5 days a week.
2009: I will work out 3 days a week.
2010: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

[JCsman]

Little Tommy is attending a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes of watching, Tommy asked his father: "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied: "Because when I'm buying horses I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them."

Tommy gets a worried look on his face and says to his dad: "Dad, I think the Fedex guy wants to buy mom."

[Deans BMW]

2010 statistics on TSA airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security are in:

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 2

[1MPH]

I always do my exercises regularly in the morning. Immediately after waking I sternly say to myself, "Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down." And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, "Okay, now try the other eyelid. "





One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"





I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

[1MPH]

Birthday Quotes

I never forget my wife's birthday. It's usually the day after she reminds me about it.

When I have a birthday I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.

Birthdays, humph.... My folks were so poor we couldn't give my sister a sweet 16 party until she was 28.

On my 60th birthday my wife gave me a superb birthday present. She let me win an argument.

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

We know when we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.

It's so sad to grow old alone. My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows.

By the time the last candle was lit on her birthday cake in February, the first one had gone out. If she ever told her real age her birthday cake would be a fire hazard. When it was fully lit it looked like a prairie fire.





While I was in the Navy, my ship was bound for Japan. Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks.

Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting: "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated: "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23!

[MotoMan1]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'

[JCsman]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

[DarthRider]

Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Jan. 15, 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[DarthRider]

.
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding.


The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.




Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."


So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought
they were stupid to walk when they had a
decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.


The boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.!



The moral of the story?



If you try to please everyone,
you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

[JCsman]

Grammar

Please note the difference in the two phrases.


Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[Deans BMW]

From Wild Will,

>
> New Mexico Chili Cook-off
>
> For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
>
> Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
>
> CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
> Judge # 3 -- No report.

[demenshea]

hahahahaha....I believe I have eaten some of that chili. We aren't gonna serve Chili are we Dean?? *wink*

[panthercity]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Wisconsin.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done
nothing but look through the kitchen window.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Boxerboy]

Hotel Related Incident

A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

[1MPH]

Terrorist Alert

Recently we have received credible intelligence that
there have been seven terrorists working in your office.

Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.

We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

[1MPH]

My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my
bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."









Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A: Regular rocks are too heavy.









Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )

[1MPH]

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"






A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor.

I felt terrible for her. At least I did until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

[1MPH]

Metric System


Despite never having adopted the metric system for day-to-day use, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams, kilograms, meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units we're clueless. To help the educational process along a bit ...

* 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

* 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

* 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

* Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

* 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

* Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straightline

* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

* 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

* 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

* 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

* 52 cards = 1 decacards

* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton * 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

* 10 rations = 1 decoration

* 100 rations = 1 C-ration

* 4 nickels = 1 paradigm

* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

[JCsman]

Damn, Jack. I was the metric coordinator for my office for a couple of years. I'd have loved to have had these for some of the presentations I made. Funny stuff.

[1MPH]

Damn, Jack. I was the metric coordinator for my office for a couple of years. I'd have loved to have had these for some of the presentations I made. Funny stuff.

That's me Bill a day late and a dollar short.:)
Sorry.

[1MPH]

Gone Metric?


What did the metric alien say ?
Take me to your litre !




A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire.....

Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.

Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter now, not the yard.

Farmer: OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.

Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?

[panthercity]

What do you get if you cross Monica Lewinsky with a Native American?































A blown injun

[Deans BMW]

Airline Pilot and a Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him
is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? 'The guy replies,
'I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines Pilot from Houston '.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take
this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes
into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am
Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets
a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can
this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept.
When he flew, people prayed.'

[1MPH]

Ditzy friend to another: "I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30' so I drove 30 times around."

The other one says sympathetically, "You probably counted wrong."





The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she got my very patient son on the phone.

At the end of her very long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send someone out to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?"

"As soon as I dig a basement," he replied.

[1MPH]

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?

A: You have to hollow out the head.




There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"





Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q. How is a dumb blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.

Q. Why do dumb blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. What do a mo-ped and a blond have in common?
A. They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A. The blonde works in the dark!

Q. What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."

Q. What do Blondes say after sex?
A1. Thanks Guys.
A2. Are you boys all in the same band?
A3. Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q. What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q. Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A. Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q. Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A. She kept throwing out all the W's.

Q. How do blond brain cells die?
A. Alone.

Q. Five blondes are facing execution, a rocket scientist, a historian, a bimbo, and a mathematician. They are each hit with one bullet but, only one bleeds, which one?
A. The bimbo, you have to be real to bleed.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A. They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q. What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A. A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q. How would a blond punctuate the following?. "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q. Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A. It swells at night.

[panthercity]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[Donson]

Now I know why My Gandads plates looked the way they did....

[Deans BMW]

From our friend Kent Cook.


Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 pupil......
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"

But before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[1MPH]

Child's Perspective on Retirement

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."





Retirement Party

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"

"We will always remember you," etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."

[1MPH]

We went to the movies the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a person from the center of the row got up and started working their way across.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time the person got to me I was trying to see the screen and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" was the loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."





A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?"

The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"






For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

[1MPH]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[1MPH]

Every night before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, “Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best friends are her legs." Much to her mother's dismay however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that a girl's best friends are her legs?" "You did mama, but there comes a time when even best friends must part.





One day a man was eating dinner at his girlfriend’s parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart; this startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart. The mom said, "Fido!", since the dog was receiving the blame he decided to rip a huge one, again the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!” Seeing as the dog was continuing to receive the blame he let out a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart. Then his girlfriend said, “Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!"






At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that." "This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

[1MPH]

1. Men are like .......Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
2. Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
3. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
4. Men are like .Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
5. Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
6. Men are like ........Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
7. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
8. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
9. Men are like .....Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
10. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
11. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

[1MPH]

Alphonse: “My wife and I argue a lot. She’s very touchy – the least little thing set her off.”
John: “You are really lucky. Mine is a self-starter.”





Two buddies are sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked one of the guys. “Not exactly,” his friend replies. “She’s more into being a trick dog.” “Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”
“Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she rolls over and plays dead.”

[1MPH]

On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."





The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"

John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!"

[DarthRider]

A U.S. Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to lowly Enlisted Man who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Enlisted Man responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% Pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[1MPH]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room
in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" ..and she
said, "Wear sun-block."

[DarthRider]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After

two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing

'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't

resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that

all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing

golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have

lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[DarthRider]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After

two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing

'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't

resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that

all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like riding motorcycles, playing

golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have

lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[1MPH]

That was funny the first time Dave.:)

[DarthRider]

That was funny the first time Dave.:)
Geeze, I thought that *was* the first time...:linzi:

[panthercity]

Geeze, I thought that *was* the first time...:linzi:

Sar*chasm: [sahr-chaz-uhm] -noun The gap between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

[DarthRider]

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella...except on a golf course.


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the
temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering
your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head
under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach .... and
it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively-dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex
pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting
In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with
her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the
fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know
what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.


29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls but do you really know the difference between them? In
an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"


"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

30. There is a fine line between a homeowner and a homo:

You must keep a project car in your garage at all times, to be worked on when your girlfriend or wife annoys you.

You must not paint your house in pastels or any color that women refer to as "Cute" or "Pretty".

Flower Gardens, no.... Vegetable Gardens yes. Cooking is acceptable for all men, if you include meat in each meal.


I hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

[Tassie Devil]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Cheers,

JQ.

[Deans BMW]

From our good friend Kent Cook.

Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3.. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...




1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

[panthercity]

11. Don't cry on my shoulder, your tears are rustin' my spurs...

[DarthRider]

12. "I got tears in my ears from lying in bed and crying over you."
Really...

13. "Drop kick me Jesus, through the goal-post of life."
Really...

14. Don't recall the title, but the main line from the song:
"I don't care if it rains or freezes, 'cause I got me a plastic Jesus, settin' on the dash-board of my car."
Really...

15. "The titty song'.
Really...

16. "Mama's got her boobs out...".
Really...

17. "Thank God and Greyhound she's gone!"
Really...

18. One a little more timely:
"Ahab the Arab".
Really...

There are more but I gotta go get another Bud and drop a quarter in the jukebox.
Not really...

[DarthRider]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by good reasons?”

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember the night when you ran for President of your golf club, and you needed 23 more votes?"

[panthercity]

...14. Don't recall the title, but the main line from the song:
"I don't care if it rains or freezes, 'cause I got me a plastic Jesus, settin' on the dash-board of my car."
Really...

No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar

[1MPH]

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The one with the biggest boobs.




A man was walking down the road then he kicked a bottle. All of the sudden a genie popped out, “I will grant you three wishes." The man smiled and said," Ok, I want to be soft to the touch, but hard as a rock and surrounded by pussy." The genie smiled, "Wish granted." The man turned into a tampon.





If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.




Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions!

[1MPH]

Don’t Mess With Old People


Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Business must be good.....only two left."

[JCsman]

A woman goes to the doctor with severe bruises and lacerations...
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[DarthRider]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat
a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him
excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what
you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure
that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about
to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even
though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still
pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is
what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor
Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his
wife.

[Donson]

Fallin Hare....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1xqrdtJs8w

[JCsman]

This man had recently started taking Cialis. At eight in the morning his wife asks him if he'd like breakfast, maybe some pancakes and bacon. "Thanks honey," the man replies, "but this Cialis really kills my appetite."

It's around noon, and the wife asks him if he's like a nice tuna salad for lunch. "Thanks again," he says, "but like I said earlier, I've got no appetite with this Cialis."

At eight in the evening, the wife asks the man if he wants a grilled sirloin steak for dinner. "You know how it is," the man replies, "with this Cialis I'm just not hungry."

Well for Christ's sakes I am starving!" the wife shouts. "Get the f*** off of me so I can finally eat!"

[DarthRider]

All motorcyclists should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid rider named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for riding. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old rider tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

[Boxerboy]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into achair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thoughtthis was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.






'You missed the fkn putt, didn't you?'

[demenshea]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:
The first worm in alcohol...Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation,
What did you learn from this
demonstration?

A lady was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, well....

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'


my kinda girl....; )

[1MPH]

I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board:

"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."





A buyer was considering purchasing an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal. When the vet had completed his examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?"

The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse.

"Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!"




Teacher: "why is your homework in your father's handwriting?"

Student: "Uh, I used his pen."

[1MPH]

One day these two fine ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea.
One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and says, "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says, "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well sweetheart, doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.
To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."





John is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot.
He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, John goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

[1MPH]

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides.

The prosecutor asked had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

I was excused from the case.





Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago."

"Wow!" exclaimed one student, "What a great memory you have!"





In my work for a cable TV company, I frequently encounter illegal hookups. One day I arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way where the TV was located and then walked out to get her groceries and the mail.

I noticed that there was a note on the TV: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Steve."

[1MPH]

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."



The Kindergarten Sunday School class was discussing prayer and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with the word "Amen."

"Does anyone know what 'Amen' means?" the teacher asked.

There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, 'Send'."





The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands.

"Where did you get that?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

[DarthRider]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me little lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond win once in a while!)

[1MPH]

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."

"Won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."





When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."





As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.....

We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

[1MPH]

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.





Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.

Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.

The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."





A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.

The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That oughta be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that darn fire truck!"

[1MPH]


SNORKELING IN CONNECTICUT




















http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd317/JackPow/untitled.jpg


Alcohol may have been involved.

[DarthRider]

*JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN*

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old
babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes
and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few
miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he
has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl
is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such
luck.. So for the next four days, the same routine
happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs
himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order
the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone...
'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in
years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he
opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around
his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[1MPH]

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."





Bernard Lind was retired, but took odd jobs to make a little extra money. One of his jobs was a taxi driver.

The cab company had a sign posted in all their cars saying, "Your driver is: ______"

Bernie always got a kick out of watching his rider's reactions when they read, "Your driver is: B.LIND."





A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone yet."

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"

[1MPH]

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."






My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

[1MPH]

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.

It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"






The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

[Ed K]

*JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN* He lost 63 pounds that week.
:)

[Jaythro]

Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.So he asked

the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming

trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
...They're years outta style.. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop

a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody

on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy
went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard,

'Maaaaate....the potato goes in the front...

[1MPH]

...the potato goes in the front...

[panthercity]

Alzheimers Test

How fast can you guess these words with missing letters? 1. F_ _K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. _ _NDOM Answers: 1. FORK 2. PULSE 3. SIX 4. PANTS 5. BOOKS 6. RANDOM You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Well, Congratulations! You don't have Alzheimer's - but you are a pervert

[DarthRider]

Well that's reassuring!:)

[1MPH]

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida coast - The Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-A-Hatchee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.


Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in and one hour to return the item the next day.



Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning 'Walk and Talk Club.' There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.



My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilate™ class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.



Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 PM, because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.




At 5:30 PM we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 PM we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.



Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in subzero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.







Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers.

The hoop is only 4.5 feet from the floor.
You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.



Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.



Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live? Murray 's Condos or The Lakes Of Venice ? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheapskate.


I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa On Boynton Beach.

[1MPH]

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."





A couple were vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp and to calm her concerns, they'd talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There's TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy, see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.

[1MPH]

Did you break wind cause you're blowing me away?







A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"







Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

[Tassie Devil]

A blonde was on holiday and driving thru Darwin ..
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the bank when he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in
the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the
slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures,
all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde
struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward
and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........" SHIT, SHIT,
SHIT, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"



Cheers,

JQ.

[Jaythro]

99 Names for Boobs Not Awfully Rude No Nudity

Someone had too much time on their hands


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO_KrgdCqkU

[JCsman]

Unfortunately, my Street Rod takes WTF.

http://biggovernment.com/files/2011/03/gas_prices_large1.jpg

[1MPH]

Bill, we have the same problem too.


http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd317/JackPow/high-oil-petrol-prices-regular-arm-plus-leg-premiu1.jpg

[DarthRider]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[DarthRider]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie

[DarthRider]

This is definite proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you Male or Female?

To find out the answer, Look down...



---



---



---



---



---



---



---



---



Look down, not scroll down, you dope!

[1MPH]

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"





A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."





My nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.

At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."

Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

[vintagemxr]

Three Irishmen are sitting around in a tavern, debating which is the best pub.
The first says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, then you buy another drink and then MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts, "That sounds like a nice pub but, where I come from, there's a better one called Quinn's. At Quinn's, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up, "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" exclaim the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to ye?"

"No," replies their friend, "But it happened to me sister!"

[1MPH]

[buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink and then, they take you in the back and get you laid! "Wow!" exclaim the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to ye?"
"No," replies their friend, "But it happened to me sister!"


See the movie "The Verdict".

[1MPH]

We laugh -- but her I.D. is safe.

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

[1MPH]

Knowing Your Spouse


One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.





A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, "He can hang out with the faculty."

[1MPH]

The U.S. Postal Service issued a stamp honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.

And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.






The Stupid Among Us........Bill Engvall


Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... ok ... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he asked "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge ... here's your sign."

[Boxerboy]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said,
“A claim was made that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

[Tassie Devil]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said,
“A claim was made that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

Hey Steve,
Stop using my jokes

Cheers,

JQ.

[Boxerboy]

ok. ;)

Did you hear the latest from Libya?

...نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما







If I hear anything else, I'll let you know

[1MPH]

Laws of the Universe


Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Warm Water Theorem - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[1MPH]

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot.

He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.

All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an entire hour?"






My puppy chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took them to a shoe repair shop. I placed the shoes on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

[DarthRider]

The deaf wife

Mark feared his wife Monika wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, Monika is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mark was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So Mark moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Monika, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Monika and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'MONIKA, what's for dinner?'


'For God’s sake, Mark, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[DarthRider]

Born a Baptist



Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[DarthRider]

New Blue Silk Pajamas

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada, with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a
long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up...
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but being the good wife,she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.”

He said, “But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?”

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".

Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!

[DarthRider]

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week,
which I quote:
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in
the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of
2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.


The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the
same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot
and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun
control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq ."

Conclusion: THE U.S. SHOULD PULL OUT OF WASHINGTON

[NoRRmad]

Just for accuracy's sake:
The eRumor’s calculation of the death rate in Iraq , however, is incorrect. It’s not 60 per 100,000. It’s 1,320 per 100,000.http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/g/gun-deaths-joke.htm
(But still sorta funny.)

[DarthRider]

The eRumor’s calculation of the death rate in Iraq , however, is incorrect. It’s not 60 per 100,000. It’s 1,320 per 100,000.


Well, 60 is pretty close...for the Internet.
And close enough for a Washington joke!:)

[1MPH]

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."





As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England. This hotel dated back to the 13th century. When I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news -- my room was in the new section. Disappointed, I asked when the "new" section had been built.

"In the 1600s," she replied apologetically.

[1MPH]

No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day,
there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a
combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per
night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in
any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and
special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout
room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc ..... Most have free toothpaste
and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help
you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus
stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick
you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of
the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly
somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will
take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place
forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want
to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
T V broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No
problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.


The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid
checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or
an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the
hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your
life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to
find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?

So, when we reach that golden age,
We'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all our email to:

ITS NOT THE YEARS IN YOUR LIFE THAT COUNT,
ITS THE LIFE IN YOUR YEARS

[1MPH]

My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth.

Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office.

"He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.

"What's that?" queried our young daughter.

Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."

Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked "So, was he a Viking?"

[DarthRider]

A teacher asks the class to name something that ends with "tor" and eats things.
So the first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good Peter, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator.""Yes, that's another big word, Tommy. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Little Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything." Little Johnny replies "Well, my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[DarthRider]

A couple were both 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies.

Though not young as they would like, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise during the last several decades.

One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.

As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and there he saw a beautiful championship golf course, better then anything he had seen on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied, "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.
"Don 't even ask," said St. Peter to the man, "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied, "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man then ask, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or.." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[Jaythro]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smokes" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late.. What's the matter?"


He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[DarthRider]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[1MPH]

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.

The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"





I went into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The clerk behind the counter replied, "Sorry. The hot fudge only comes in one temperature."

[Donson]

How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort last night? Enough for Two-and-a-half-Men. Bada-boom.

[Donson]

This realy happened. My 80 year old Mom went to the Doctor last year ,complaining of a pain under the bra-line." What size bra do You wear", He asked. Straight faced, Mom replied , "38 long". It was a good 5 minutes before the Doc regained His composure.

[1MPH]

The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all year -- fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.

But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question "What portion of a foot is six inches?"

One student answered, "The toes?"





A customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"





A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So ... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

[1MPH]

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

[JCsman]

OK, I honestly do not post this for any political purpose. But this , actual MSNBC headline made me roll on the floor..... That might say just a BIT too much about me..... :embarassed:

http://moelane.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/compost.jpg

[Pacific]

http://moelane.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/compost.jpg

People who represent causes really do have to hold themselves to a slightly higher standard than this.

Jay

[1MPH]

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[1MPH]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[1MPH]

Q. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

A. About three pounds, including the urn.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A. It helps them remember which end to wipe...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[DarthRider]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[1MPH]

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.

"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."





My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with the Police Academy Board who would determine her suitability as a candidate.

The first situation they presented to her was: "On routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!"

She was accepted.

[Jaythro]

For all you Mekins that claim heritage

I'm half Scots and half Irish. One half wants to get drunk, the other half doesn't want to pay.

:-D

[1MPH]

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

[DarthRider]

Wot a hoot!
Wot a writer!

http://mrcycle1.smugmug.com/Motorcycles/Photo-Shoots/i-M4b36tX/0/L/%21cid_fa244c8d67c94ff4ba41f97749fbabe8%40karlpc-L.jpg

[1MPH]

Mrs Brown Gets A Bikini Wax

www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5aCG0
►

[1MPH]

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."





An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

[1MPH]

What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities toward verbosity and prolixity?
Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus
of ozocitereous structure.

Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
precipitation, And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high
degree of certainty.

Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"

Lilliputian Damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency
so as to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.

[1MPH]

Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:

"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."

If Shackleton were advertising in 2011:

"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outside magazine."






While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?"

"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.

"Was the area well lit?"

"No. It was pretty dark."

"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."

[panthercity]

Guy goes into a bar and asks for a bin laden...

Bartender asks, "what's that?"

Guy says, "2 shots and a splash of water"

[DarthRider]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat", agreed to
look after her neighbor's house and male dog while they were
away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed
that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to
sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed
downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain
and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,
although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you
back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[Jaythro]

The Pastor's Ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race...

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of
the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND
FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is ....
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery
It can even shorten your life..

..So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer!

Have a nice day!

[Donson]

Guy goes into a bar and asks for a bin laden...

Bartender asks, "what's that?"

Guy says, "2 shots and a splash of water"

The PC Police are comin for You!:bash::):041:

[1MPH]

I was out at a bar, celebrating the weekend. At the end of the evening, I was totally wasted and decided to take a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which surprised me because I had never driven a bus before.




Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."

[1MPH]

Perspective on the necessity of computers in daily life...


An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says: You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10 kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process
several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pickup truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!" After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!" Moral of the story: 1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

[1MPH]

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.






Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

[JCsman]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 1 am. He was asked where he was going at that time of night.

"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

"Oh really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

"That would be my wife."

[panthercity]

Conversion tables...

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Amount of time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Amount of time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurts
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Cornell University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = not 1 decision

[Deans BMW]

Recieved this from Kent Cook this morning

http://poststuff4.entensity.net/050611/dog.php

[1MPH]

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. How do men get excersize at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's a man's idea of helpin with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.







8 things you'll never hear a man say...

8. Here honey, you use the remote.

7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1. We never talk anymore.

[1MPH]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" To which she replied "Probably that I married you for your money."




One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!' And they say blondes are dumb!

[DarthRider]

What is Celibacy????

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare,
“It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

[1MPH]

I was touring a British naval vessel, wearing my American flag lapel pin. As I asked the tour guide a question, he called out, "Sir, you are in distress!"

I was greatly confused, until he pointed out that the flag on my lapel was upside down, the naval symbol for a ship in distress.

I fumbled with the sticky clasp for a moment, but was only able to turn the flag 90 degrees. "Ah," he said sternly, "now you're being boarded by pirates."







"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

[1MPH]

About time for this.

You know you're in Arizona when ...

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

*You can make instant sun tea.

*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

*Hot water now comes out of both taps.

*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

[DarthRider]

But it's a dry heat...!

[JCsman]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[JCsman]

A Mazda 323? What self-respecting goat would steal an economy car when there are BMWs and Mercedes around?

http://cbullitt.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/yyy666tt6t6t.jpg?w=339&h=565

[JCsman]

Pop a top? Nope, rather play twister.

http://cbullitt.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/bikini_bottle_opener.gif?w=254&h=204

Really? Ouch! But it was a nice catch.

[panthercity]

A Mazda 323? What self-respecting goat would steal an economy car when there are BMWs and Mercedes around?

http://cbullitt.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/yyy666tt6t6t.jpg?w=339&h=565

Police say alcohol may have been involved...

[DarthRider]

This is just the sort of thing that gives goats a bad name, and it must stop!

[DarthRider]

Marriage Counseling

After 35 years of marriage, a wife and husband came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife launched into a painful litany that had spanned the years.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a lengthy list of unmet needs she'd endured.

Finally, when she'd exhausted herself, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and asked the woman to stand. He then embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman, stunned, quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

[DarthRider]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.




We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.



I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".



"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.



"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."



She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".



"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"



She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.



She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.




Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"




So I told her to fuck off.

[DarthRider]

The Flight Attendant

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by trying to identify the airline she flies for.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto:
'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
Nothing.

Could it be British Airways then? he wonders and tries:
"The World's favorite airline".
The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face:
"United!"

[JCsman]

Random House just announced publication of a series of books guarenteed to let men understand women. Volume one (of seven) hit major bookstores today.

http://us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2275627%5fAPZVimIAAMjwTdQ3PwuhiUv C2Bs&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[1MPH]

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."






Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

[1MPH]

"Have you seen this morning's paper?"

"Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it."

"But I hadn't seen it yet!"

"You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange peels."






It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow."

He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today."

[1MPH]

An Indian tribe decides to send one of their children to college, with the condition that whoever went had to come back to the rez after graduation and use their newfound skills to help improve the tribe in some way. One of the chief's sons was chosen, and off he went to the university where he studied hard and became an electrical engineer. After graduation, he returned to tribal lands and realized his people were tired of tripping over things in the dark on the way to the outhouse, so he fixed it up with a light over the door. Thus, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation. (Yes, I know...GAH ROAN.)




A couple of guys are in a bar in the Old West, drinking. One starts to leave and the second man asks him why he's leaving so early in the day. "I'm going to go watch 'em hang Brown Paper Joe."

"Brown Paper Joe? Why'd they call him that?"

"Well, it's cuz his hat's made o' brown paper, his shirt's made o' brown paper, his pants is made o' brown paper. Even his boots is made o' brown paper!"

"So what are they hangin' 'im for?"

"Rustlin'."

(Yes, I know - GAH-ROAN again...but it is funny!)

[DarthRider]

Russ and Sam, two old friends, met in the park

every day to feed the pigeons, watch the

squirrels and discuss world problems.




One day Russ didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it and figured

maybe he had a cold or something..

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week

or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got

together was at the park, Sam didn't know

where Russ lived, so he was unable to find

out what had happened to him.




A month had passed, and Sam figured

he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,

Sam approached the park and--

lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him

and told him so.



Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,

what in the world happened to you?'




Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'




'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'




'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,

that cute little blonde waitress at the

coffee shop where I sometimes go?'






'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.

What about her?




'Well, she filed rape charges

against me; and, at 89 years old,

I was so proud that when I got into court,

I pled 'guilty'.




'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'


/

[JCsman]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionality
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no
coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

[JCsman]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ePdcROzSzkw/TdZTdlZxzAI/AAAAAAAAD3Y/3FzVCe9UWEw/s400/mushroom.jpg


:eusa_whistle:

[MzPam]

So, this blind guy goes into a drinking establishment, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He's talking with the bartender and gets comfortable with his surroundings and then says "Hey, who wants to hear a blond joke? There happens to be a girl next to him who says, "Honey, you may not know it, but the other bartender is female, about 5'8", is a master at Tai Kwan Do and has blond hair. The gal on the other side of you is also a blond, 5'7" and is an ex-Navy Seal. I am a retired cop who also has blond hair. Now, you still want to tell that joke?

The blind guy replies, "Oh hell no! Not if I have to explain it three times!"

(Alright you guys . . . I heard that collective groan. It might be old, but it's still funny. Oh, that reminds me of someone!!!!!!! Just kiddin' honey!)

[Donson]

I never heard that one, Pam-good one!:):):)

[DarthRider]

A lady found out that her pet Schnauzer could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.


The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."


She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."


Then the pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[DarthRider]

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to former President Bill Clinton:

"You were right, Bill, I should have just stuck with a Blow Job..."

[DarthRider]

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a
biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

[1MPH]

I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows "Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say, "Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice, "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"

"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so the heartburn will be coming on soon."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some of our exciting travel packages that ..."

I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing, do you?"

"Why, sure I do?"

"You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell them about our travel packages."

"You can use my phone. Come on over."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Of course I like you sir."

"So why won't you come over?"

"Well, I'm working."

"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little fatback if you'd like."

"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check on that."

"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"

"I can't. I'm working."

"How about the day after tomorrow then?"

"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people I call."

"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"

"That's just a courtesy."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Yes sir. I like you just fine."

"So ... You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

(click)

[1MPH]

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.





A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher decided to investigate.

"What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well... yes, it is." replied Carol, reluctantly. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."





Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of golf balls ...

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud.

I almost feel like a hybrid.

[1MPH]

Cussin’ in Church

A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation.

The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to such foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

[panthercity]

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing

[1MPH]

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.





A doctor received an emergency call from a patient.

She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."

The patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked, "Into which ear should I pour the oil?"





Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the strangest thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

[1MPH]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
It's The Box Office.'


Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

[Jaythro]

Frank Feldman


A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f**king wife."

[1MPH]

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the outer office, my name was finally called. When I got into the examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, "I need to get your weight today."

I immediately replied, "One hour and 5 minutes."





Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!





Voice mail was the man's sworn enemy. He never really understood how it worked. Finally he broke down and called the office operator to get instructions.

"I can send you an instruction sheet," the operator offered.

"Great, fax it right over."

"Sure thing," the operator replied, "but fax it right back. It's my only copy."

[DarthRider]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[DarthRider]

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a
lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician,
say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to
hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the
lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from
ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm
Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip
to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean
in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body
was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt
a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a
snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found
me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as
though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And
silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!

[DarthRider]

2 different docs


Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has
a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed
for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.


Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST patient is a Golden Retriever...


The SECOND patient is a Senior Citizen...

Next time take me to a vet!

[DarthRider]

$7 Sex...


An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[vintagemxr]

Post Moved to Welcome forum Doug

[Jaythro]

Being a Police Officer in the UK
Question:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer,
an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER'S Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 999?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?






AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S Answer:

BANG!






AMERICAN OFFICER'S Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?'

[Donson]

A close Friend of mine was closing His business late one night. His Wife had the days receipts in a bag, and had walked to the car, as My Friend was locking the door and setting the alarm system. Suddenly, a know Felon and drug addict lept from the shadows and attacked My Freinds Wife. She was able to get inside the car and get the door locked and the attacker , enraged ,was attemptring to break the window, to get the money. My Friend, a concealed carry permit holder drew His gun, and from 60 feet, in the dark, shot the bad guy in the head, 5 times. On the Official Police Report, under Comments, the investigating officer put simply", "Nice grouping". Grand Jury No Billed My Friend. True story.

[1MPH]

A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and yelled, "You're lying! I should have shot you!!!"

He paused, wide-eyed, then added, "Uh, if I had been the one that was there."

It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty.





A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They all say, Speed Limit 55."

[DarthRider]

A Couple's Diaries


Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.






Husband's Diary:

Bike wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

[DarthRider]

The Prostate Exam

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, I decided to have my next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating.

As I laid naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," I said.

"No, but I have." replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco !

[1MPH]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

The mother told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is." Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "pee-pees" than his dad.

His mother explained, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is." Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!"

[1MPH]

Q: Hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out a little longer.





A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the closest farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, "Sir, my car died just up the road. Could I stay here for tonight?"

The farmer says, "Sure, but I have a very handsome son and you'll have to promise not to sleep with him."

"Excuse me," says the salesman, "but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

[1MPH]

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor," the hiker says, "if I had to describe it, I'd say it tasted something like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."





A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Don't do that. Come running with me. It's much more fun!" The deer takes off with the rabbit. They come across an elephant doing coke. "Come running with us, elephant," says the rabbit. “You'll feel so good!" The elephant decides to join in the fun, and the whole groups goes off running.

The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion reaches out with a huge paw and knocks it unconscious. The deer screams, "Lion, what are you doing? He's trying to help us!" The lion answers, "That loser makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!"

[DarthRider]

Herman James

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[1MPH]

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, sir!"





A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth. I've really spoiled that woman."

[JCsman]

True story (or as they say in Mississippi, "No shit now....") the subject of Facebook came up at our daughter-in-laws this weekend. She has a friend who's grandmother got a Facebook account and was So proud she could see her family's posts and communicate with this amazing new technology. But the family was perplexed when the posts became things like, "Going shopping this afternoon, WTF." Or, "Just relaxing at home, WTF".

Finally the granddaughter was forced to ask after grandmother posted, "Sitting in church, WTF".

"Oh yes", says granny. "It's just as I posted. Sitting in church, with the family".

Apparently the nearly uncontrollable laughter made it even tougher to explain to the dear just what WTF really meant.

[Jaythro]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't
felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "WooHoo … If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.

--

[DarthRider]

Goodbye Mom!

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."

[1MPH]

A New York family wants to put Grandpa in a nursing home, but all the city's facilities are full. So they decide to put him in a highly touted home in Mississippi. After a few days, they call him.

"How do you like it so far?" the grandson asks.

"It's wonderful," he says. "Let me tell you about the friendly residents here.

"There's a musician who hasn't played the violin in 30 years, but everyone still calls him Maestro.

"There's a physician here who hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years, and they still call him Doc.

"And me, I haven't had sex for over 20 years, yet everybody still calls me the F#*!ing Yankee."

[DarthRider]

The Big Kiss

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly retired Navy Master Chief, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she said.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She did, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she'd finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......."

[DarthRider]

SOUTHERN CHARM


Two ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"....

[1MPH]

The only thing stopping your momma from going to Jenny Craig is the door frame.





This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.




Ironic Celebrity Deaths...

Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
Frank Sinatra - Killed by Stranglers in the Night
RuPaul - Prostate cancer
O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
Madonna - Exposure
Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window

[DarthRider]

The Things I Owe My Parents

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

[1MPH]

Texting for over 40s


The kids have all their little SMS codes,like BFF,WTF,LOL,etc.So here are some codes for the more mature:


ATD-At the doctors,

BFF- Best friends funeral,

BTW-Bring the wheelchair

FWIW-Forgot where i was-

GGPBL-gotta go pacemaker battery low-

GHA-Got heartburn again-HGBM-had good bowel movement-

IMHO-is my hearing-aid on?-

WAITT-who am i talking to?

GGLKI-gotta go,laxative kickin in