Jack's Jokes (and contributions by many others too)

[1MPH]

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off."

The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing."

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time."

"Ya, that will be done," says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before."

The German replies, " ya."

The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!."

[1MPH]

Things to Remember During a War


1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

[DarthRider]

Dates With Different Women

American WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second Date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third Date:
You get to have sex but only when
She wants to and only in the missionary position.
_____________________________

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
_____________________________________

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.
__________________________________________

ASIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second Date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Again, nothing happens.

Third Date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized
nothing is ever going to happen.
____________________________________

INDIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
Date is arranged by her parents.

Second Date:
Wedding date is set.

Third Date:
Wedding night.
________________________________________

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.
_________________________________________

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.

Second Date:
She's pregnant.

Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters,
her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend
and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest
of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a
home along the Tijuana strip.
_____________________________________________

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress her.

Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image.

Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier.
______________________________________________

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date:
You are shot dead. She is beheaded by her father for
bringing shame to her family and the Arab community.

No Third Date!!
______________________________________

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[1MPH]

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the brain.

"You're already out of your head."





A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.






A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[JCsman]

Please Help If You Can:

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of NFL Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And - as if that weren't bad enough - they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the annual minimum salary; but it's a start; and every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

Remember, a lifestyle is a horrible thing to waste...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked-out NFL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team

Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include an extra $80 for hat).

Your Name: ____________________Telephone Number: ___________________
Account Number: __________________Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: ______________________

p.s. If you have a little extra, please enclose for the cheerleaders.. Contrary to public opinion, cheerleaders are people too.

[DarthRider]

I'm in!
Oh wait, I forgot Congress is going to take my Social Security check. My monthly check would cover a poor athlete for about a day...

[DarthRider]

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[1MPH]

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball?" the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

[DarthRider]

Interesting information you can use in your daily life.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it..)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home .. What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing..)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out. Why doesn't the government spend some $$ figuring out how to cross a pig and a lion??
Then in my next life, I could come back as a lion pig!! Not a lying pig, we already have them, they are called politicians!!!!)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[1MPH]

For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

[JCsman]

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

...

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...

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

[panthercity]

This isn't actually a joke... I think... but I laughed my azz off!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0E8EYTyACQk&feature=player_embedded

[1MPH]

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs." The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; Eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years." "But what then?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions?...Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

[1MPH]

I'd had enough of my employees' abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."





My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection since she drove all over the country. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.





Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"

Dad nodded.

"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."

[DarthRider]

Last week, she checked into a motel on her birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . ." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything; I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[1MPH]

England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."

[1MPH]

One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."






Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after one o'clock by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.

A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap."

[DarthRider]

Ron, an elderly farmer, had a farm with a large pond in a pasture.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the pond, as he hadn't been there
for a while, and look it over. He took a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence,
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're
not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

[DarthRider]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
ownsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She reminded him that for more than four decades she had 'charged' him for sex.
These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[DarthRider]

Fun With Words!

Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

That "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, "ate"?

Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?


And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-humping, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”

[DarthRider]

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'




'Because you got an F in sex.'

[1MPH]

What Men Really Mean, Part 1




"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and
completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make
obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like
Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
(or Rene Russo)

[DarthRider]

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas mowing his front lawn. A lady driving by in a big shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, "Yes, Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"


Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

[1MPH]

Dave, when I first heard that story it was about Ralph Bunche.


www.ralphbunche.com/

[DarthRider]

Dave, when I first heard that story it was about Ralph Bunche.



Good heavens! Ralph Bunche was sleeping with Lee Trevino's wife?!

[panthercity]

Good heavens! Ralph Bunche was sleeping with Lee Trevino's wife?! OMG! http://www.gigabikes.com/forums/html/emoticons/laf.gif.gif

[1MPH]

What Men Really Mean, Part 2



"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed
to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a
vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing,
pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that
you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling
the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[DarthRider]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three old bikers were walking down the street in Spearfish, SD.
The first one says, "It sure is Windy!"
The second one says, "Naw, it's Thursday!"
The third one says, "Me too, let's get a beer!"

[1MPH]

A responsible Texan




While hiking down along the border this morning,
I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River;
he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns
and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal
Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of
the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law
to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso
County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both men have drowned, and
neither authority has responded in any way.
I'm beginning to think I wasted two stamps...

[panthercity]

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar.

Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4F driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the
thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.

So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered.

By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before.

When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played?

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he
said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that
had the place jumping.

After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled.

He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out."

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

[DirtyTwin]

Guy goes to the doctor complaining that he just can't stop singing "the Green Green Grass of home"
Doctor say's, "sounds Like Tom Jones Syndrome", the guy say's "is that rare" the doctor say's. "well,
It's not unusual"......

[1MPH]

Fishing Terms Explained




Catch and Release -
A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer stops a boat that has caught over its limit.

Hook -
1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish
2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel
3. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also: Right Hook, Left Hook)

Line -
Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went over the past weekend.

Lure -
An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel -
A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod -
An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School -
A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for Spam instead.

Tackle -
What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box -
A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive "first aid kit". The difference is that a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band-Aid, you soon need more than one.

Test -
1. The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
2. A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

[Deans BMW]

> Life's Rules
>
>
>
> 1.There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
>
> 2.The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
>
> 3.I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
>
> 6.A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
>
> 7.Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>
> 8.I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
>
> 9.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
>
> 10.I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
> elected.
>
> 11.The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
> trade-in value.
>
> 12.If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes,
make
> Bloody Mary's.
>
> 14.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
>
> 16.Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
> I've stayed alive.
>
> 18.No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
>
> 20.How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
> on.
>
> 23.Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
>
> 24.Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.
>
> 25.Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't
> pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

[1MPH]

www.thethinkingblue.com/fun/yourlife.html

[DarthRider]

So, you think you have it bad, do ya'?


Ole was hunting geese up in the slough.

He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a
leak, and as luck would have it, the dog knocks the gun over, it goes
off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and
there is his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some
bad news. De good news is yer going to be OK. The damage was
local to yer groin, der vas very little internal damage, and ve
were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"Vatts de bad news?" asks Ole.

"De bad news is that der vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage
done to yer willie. I'm going to have to refer ya to my sister, Lena."

"Vell, I guess dat ain't so bad," says Ole. "Is yer sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Dr. Sven says. "She's a flute player in de Minnesota
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach ya ver to put your fingers
so's ya don't piss in yer eye .

[1MPH]

Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.






A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and Ipassed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.


And, my favorite is:
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumblin in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

[panthercity]

A jaunty little tune...

http://www.newsday.com/polopoly_fs/1.235372.1243574086!menu/standard/file/ny-walt-baby-boomers.swf

[1MPH]

New Vocabulary



CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest at a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal side ".

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[1MPH]

I took my family to a museum which included an old one-room schoolhouse. In the classroom I pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle.

Realizing that the kids had never seen anything like that before I asked them, "What do you think this hole was for?"

My twelve-year-old had a ready answer: "It's a soda can holder."





After a family visit, my sister and her son drove me to the airport for my flight home. They waited as I checked in at the counter, and then I walked back to them and told them, "I have to wait another three hours."

"How come?" my nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded."

"Grounded? I didn't know planes had parents."





Lucy teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.

"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."

[JCsman]

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, could he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says 'sure' and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy says, 'I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.'

The guy says,' Yeah, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.'

[vintagemxr]

http://inlinethumb09.webshots.com/48200/2407090870105705829S600x600Q85.jpg


the other Doug

[1MPH]

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires.



He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

No wait...

sorry...

I'm thinking of wine.

It's wine that does all that.......

Never mind.

[1MPH]

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

[1MPH]

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl, "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says, "No" and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says, "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"





While working in the library at a university, I was often shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of paying their fees for overdue books. One evening an older student returned two books that were way overdue and threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2 fee that I asked her to pay.

I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but she insisted she should be exempt. "You don't understand," she blurted out. "I didn't even read them!"





Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."

[1MPH]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with the old rancher. "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nodded politely. "I'm sorry," and with that he went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams. He looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life with the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull in hot pursuit. The bull was gaining ground on the officer with every step and it seemed just a matter of a few more steps before the officer would be gored.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs: "Your badge! Show him your BADGE!!"





I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

[JCsman]

http://www.bizarrocomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Primitive-Pick-Up.jpg


Man, if I'd just found those Neanderthal bars when I was single.

[JCsman]

Language alert!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hotelcurly/5884262393/

I am truly ashamed that I laughed at this.... or that I didn't think of it first.

[panthercity]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super....'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said,

'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, Bitch'

[DarthRider]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
·He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
·Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
·Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
·He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

·He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
·'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
·'They're mating,' her father replied.
·'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
· A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
·'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
·As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
·'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
·'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit here inTexas."

[DarthRider]

Women's ass size study:

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.
30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, the remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world............................

[1MPH]

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."

[1MPH]

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"







A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."






A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.

Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished.

"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends, "how on earth did you manage that?"

"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's an epileptic."

[1MPH]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out


it was only an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[1MPH]

Texas rancher was talking to an Arkansas farmer in a bar.

Texas rancher:

"Ah could git up at sunrise, drive mah pickup from one end of my ranch and not git to the other end until sundown."

Arkansas farmer:

"I had a truck like that once...."

[JCsman]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... Take a guess !!!


You're going to love this !!! (OR NOT)


Everyone knows...

You .....

can't kill two Birds ....

With OneStone!!!

[panthercity]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
Than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

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OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this -
But it will make your day!

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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

[DarthRider]

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster Patron, Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

[1MPH]

Fell out of my chair on that one Dave. :rofl::yelrotflmao:

[DarthRider]

Fell out of my chair on that one Dave. :rofl::yelrotflmao:

Me too Jack!

[DarthRider]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.


The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought!"

[DarthRider]

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."

Many people have asked, "why did the British wear red coats in battle?

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that, if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers...

[JCsman]

Who knew?

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/300572_10150332638197416_524567415_8067242_1531334 005_n.jpg

[1MPH]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go motorcycle riding with the guys.

[1MPH]

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."



The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: “Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".
The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"
Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"



Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

[1MPH]

How to Mess Up a Job Interview




We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

- "She used an iPod and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

- "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

- "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

- "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

[1MPH]

The 13 things that PMS stands for...

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

13. Potential Murder Suspect

[1MPH]

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
2. 7 have been arrested for fraud
3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5. 3 have done time for assault
6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.






One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."

[panthercity]

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
2. 7 have been arrested for fraud
3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5. 3 have done time for assault
6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.I only WISH that were a joke! (Although the list originated in 1999, I doubt it's far off today.)

[NoRRmad]

Yup, an old list, and somewhat vague. http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/congress.asp

[1MPH]

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."








Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[1MPH]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."




Waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"

[panthercity]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards
claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and
sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him
a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”
RANCHER: “That would be me.”

[DarthRider]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job!"


The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent..
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard.....for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.


You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips.... and this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have
to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."


The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"


The social worker said, "Yeah, well ...... You started it."

[DarthRider]

From my bud "Pistol", a retired Delta Captain.



When I Miss Flying


We have a cockpit mock-up in our house:



When I mention to my wife that I miss flying, by being retired, she puts me in the mock-up around bed time for 8 hours. She has a chair in a closet, puts on the vacuum cleaner to simulate cockpit air noise, has a dim nite-lite to simulate cockpit lighting, serves luke-warm chicken with cold vegetables on a tray.



When I get sleepy and attempt to doze off, she knocks twice loudly on the door to simulate the F/As entering the cockpit. Then after 6 hours she turns on a flood light directly in front of me to simulate the sun coming up. I then get a cup of coffee that has been in the coffeemaker all night. Finally she lets me out and I have to get in the back seat of her car while she runs morning errands to simulate the bus ride to the hotel. When we get home I tell her I am ready for bed and the bedroom door is locked for an hour to simulate the hotel rooms not being ready.



When I promise to never "complain" about being retired, I am allowed to enjoy my "layover" and go to bed. Oh, and one more thing, she talks to her friends loudly outside the bedroom door to simulate the hotel maids chattering in the hall in their native language. After two hours of sleep she calls the phone next to the bed from her cell and says "this is crew scheduling, you are non-routine!!!, vee vill calla-you back vhen you have legal minimum rest." and "by the way the company has filed for bankruptcy today."

[Donson]

I just got scammed on E-Bay.
I ordered a Penis Enlarger, and it got here today.
I opened the box and there was nothing in there but a magnifying glass....
The instructions said not to use it in direct sunlight.:105:

[1MPH]

A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."





When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice."

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a grin and said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."

[NoRRmad]

Aaaagggh! My Snopes compulsion just kicked in.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney2.asp
(No disrespect to Andy; he never said he wrote it.)

[Deans BMW]

A warning to all!!!!










This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States



meddling in Egypt continued, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,
followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

It's going to get ugly, people.

[DarthRider]

A warning to all!!!!










This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States



meddling in Egypt continued, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,
followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

It's going to get ugly, people.
Yes, right here on the good ol' Cafe' it seems.
What's next...racial jokes?

[1MPH]

A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.

Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.

"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

[1MPH]

"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, some people call me Bubba."

[panthercity]

AOL is still around???

[Donson]

I stopped by a Friends place yesterday, and His hearing is worse than ever.
He had a black sharpie in one hand and His penis in the other."What the hell, Dave, You are supposed to turn Your CLOCK ,BACK!".

[DarthRider]

A Priest in Training




A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to Louisville, KY to serve and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"

[vintagemxr]

1719

the other Doug

[1MPH]

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."





I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

[DarthRider]

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day.

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

[1MPH]

I'll be repeating that one. Thanks Dave.

[DarthRider]

I'll be repeating that one. Thanks Dave.
Jack, I was thinking of you, Brother!

[1MPH]

Jack, I was thinking of you, Brother!

Oh, when did you see me play golf?:icon10:

[DarthRider]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . ."

[1MPH]

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.

"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.

"Fifteen dollars each."

"Who bought them?"

"I did!"





The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area.

We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.

Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly.

If you are a coffee drinker but can't read yet, please have your parents explain this to you.

[JCsman]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/377318_310097252349235_307975465894747_1344341_146 4630985_n.jpg

And, man, are my knuckles raw!

[JCsman]

From "Bizzaro Blog"...
http://www.bizarrocomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Bizarro-03-20-11-TITANIC.jpg

[1MPH]

And, man, are my knuckles raw!


On behalf of men everywhere Bill, THANKS!!!!

[DarthRider]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES :

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

[vintagemxr]

TV commercial from VW South Africa


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8gGGt-DxaA&feature=colike

It's true, some people shouldn't ride.

the other Doug

[vintagemxr]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.


The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.


Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming..


One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."



The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman,
face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.


The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.


One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken

island for months now without a woman.


It's been such a long, long time....


So ... Do you think we should...well...

You know...screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

[1MPH]

Clichés

Is “tired old cliché” one?……………Stephen Wright

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
Rodney Dangerfield

They say the camera adds ten pounds, but that’s only if you eat
The whole thing.
Myq Kaplan

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

I discovered the sound of one hand clapping, and it only cost
Me an arm.
Strange de Jim

Two heads are better than one, unless you’re cleaning them.
Craig Sharf

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to lie
Down on his back and float in it, then you have something
Joe E. Brown

What if my right hand doesn’t care what the left is doing?
Jason Love

How did a fool and his money get together?
George Carlin

On a scale of one to ten, you can only weigh midgets.
Craig Sharf

[Jaythro]

A Nun Grading Papers....can you imagine the Nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE
OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

[DarthRider]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend

"That's us in 10 years".



He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!"

[JCsman]

A group of kindergärtners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book,' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:

"Winnie the SHIT"

[JCsman]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her through the window and into the yard.

[DarthRider]

Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.


He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the
same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback,
but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

[Jaythro]

> Subject: German Engineering?.....
> >
> >
> >>
> >>
> >> A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
> >> "I vish to buy sex viz you."
> >> "Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
> >> "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
> >> "No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."
> >>
> >> So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
> >> bedsprings and a duck caller.
> >> "I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
> >> The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as
> >> requested.
> >>
> >> "Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
> >>
> >> This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
> >>
> >> "You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
> >>
> >> She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is
> >> paying).
> >>
> >> But she finds the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck
> >> caller, she is
> >> bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is
> >> the most
> >> sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes
> >> before she
> >> has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you
> >> call that
> >> position?"
> >>
> >>
> >> "Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique."

[DarthRider]

Since I'm putting this in the Jokes section and it is balanced and well intended, hopeful this little statement will ruffle no feathers.
It is, alas, just so damn true...

"Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt
is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.”

[DarthRider]

"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique."

Jay, we have a Texas technique I'm sure you would like...the Rodeo Position.
But first, you will need a little info on rodeos: One of the events is called "Bare Back Riding" where the cowboy mounts a wild horse with no saddle that is restrained in a tight pen with a rapid opening gate that opens into the arena. The horse has only a strap around it's middle for the cowboy to hold onto. The cowboy can only hold on with one hand, the other up in the air, holding his cowboy hat.
The objective is, when they release the horse, to stay aboard the wild, bucking, kicking, frantic horse for 7 seconds. If you get bucked off you get no points and hope the horse does not kick your arse. If you do remain mounted, you score points for style & technique, and if you aggressively spurred the horse & whipped him with your hat into extra aggressive action.


So, the Rodeo Position:
It's the same as doggy style, except you reach around the lady's waist, put one hand in the air, lean over and whisper her sister's name in her ear and try to hold on for 7 seconds.
Ride 'em cowboy!

[DarthRider]

Old Folks Home

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

[panthercity]

Since I'm putting this in the Jokes section and it is balanced and well intended, hopeful this little statement will ruffle no feathers.
It is, alas, just so damn true...

"Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt
is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.”

Bravo! Spot on! :more:

[JCsman]

"Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt
is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.”

As they order another round.

[Donson]

So then Donson says to Snow White, "what, You too good to show Us yer tits?"

http://i666.photobucket.com/albums/vv21/bryanetta2009/image001.jpg

[DarthRider]

About a week's worth of jokes have suddenly dropped out...WTF?

[DarthRider]

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon ice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.


Cherry Mristmas

[Donson]

I was a-feared I had broke the internets with My Snow White pic......:105:

[1MPH]

One snowy evening my brother, a regional police officer, stopped a car at a roadside check for drunk drivers. "Good evening, ma'am," he greeted the lady. "How are you this evening?"

"Fine, thank you," she replied.

My brother continued, "Anything to drink this evening?"

Surprised, the lady answered, "No, thank you."





At a family party, my sister's date asked if he could bring our grandmother a drink. "Yes, a Manhattan," Grandmother said.

"Okay, but you can't be our designated driver," the young man joked.

"Oh, I don't drive. Never did."

"Why is that?"

"I knew that if you drink, you shouldn't drive. So I made the only sensible choice."

[1MPH]

Adults only


NUDE SANTA -----




Scroll down to see the nude Santa

*



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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !

Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!

[DarthRider]

The Italian Virginity Test


Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell
if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things
for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of
Red paint,

A small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks .... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies .... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding
night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.


If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen…

you then hit her with the Shovel!

[DarthRider]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf ."

[vintagemxr]

http://www.youtube.com/v/nUY-H3vWhzY%26hl


the other Doug

[Donson]

http://i666.photobucket.com/albums/vv21/bryanetta2009/image012.gif

[1MPH]

LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE, SHALL WE...



















I'd just come out of the deli with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. Outside the door, a poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'


A fat girl served me in McDonald's during a busy lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, ‘don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.’


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'I said 'Nope, you’re still black.'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says, ‘Me ma is dead.’ ‘Oh bejaysus.’ the man says, ‘Do you want me to call
Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.’


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, ‘Where am I?’ ‘The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, ‘You’re in that feckin basket.’


I had a Trivia competition aced until the last question, which I got wrong.
The question was, ‘Where do women have the curliest hair?’
The answer I should have given was ‘Fiji’.

[JCsman]

Jack, Jack, Jack you scamp.



Now who am I going to send these to?

[1MPH]

Now who am I going to send these to?


Just your PC friends. :icon10:

[DarthRider]

Vern's Funeral


Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, So for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

[JCsman]

>>
>> Walk with Me as I age
>>
>> Don't be ashamed of a few tears as you read this!
>>
>> I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth the read...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Crap! ...I forgot the words....
>>
>>
>>
>

[DarthRider]

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

[DarthRider]

Male Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.



The End

[1MPH]

More of Rodney……

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child
Psychiatrist. That kid didn’t help me at all.


Last week I saw my Psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc I keep
thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his coach.


I told my Psychiatrist I have suicidal tendencies. He told me to
Pay in advance.


With my wife I don’t get no respect. I told her when I die, I want
To be cremated. She’s planning a barbeque.


Easter! My parents gave me chocolate bunnies made of Ex-Lax.


The only normal people are the ones you don’t know too well.


I’m in very bad shape. I hurt myself playing Scrabble.


It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.


What a childhood! I was breast fed by my father.


Until I was six years old, I thought Alpo was baby food.



........Dangerfield.

[JCsman]

Caption this.....

http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384043_278876628835290_100001388651655_793550_1596 927259_n.jpg

Don't be sad, Mr. Cow. Second place to a Texan is very, very good.

[1MPH]

Caption this.....

http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384043_278876628835290_100001388651655_793550_1596 927259_n.jpg



Are you from Notre Dame?

[panthercity]

Are you from Notre Dame? 1761

[DarthRider]

http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384043_278876628835290_100001388651655_793550_1596 927259_n.jpg
"A-L-L-L hat and P-L-E-N-T-Y o' cattle!"

[JCsman]

Damn it Tex. You keep wavin' that thing around, you'll scare off ALL the cows.

[JCsman]

The Itch


Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Earl the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Earl revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Earl to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Earl readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Earl would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Earl to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Earl the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Earl worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Earl left satisfied and was hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Earl found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, Earl couldn't have cared less and with a laugh told him to 'get lost'.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Earl.


The moral of the story.............


Pay your Doctor bill

[Jaythro]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for
more than a full minute. *(I'm at this level.)**
After you feel confident at that level, ..........put a potato in each bag

[JCsman]

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?”
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you."

[JCsman]

I don't write 'em, just passing them along.
Insensitivity Jokes...

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning!
~ ~ ~
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
~ ~ ~
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
~ ~ ~
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
~ ~ ~
Question - Are there too many immigrants in the United States ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please. Me no speaka engrish."
~ ~ ~
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
~ ~ ~
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "no I'm sure." "When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,
"Well, that's the last damned thing we need."
~ ~ ~
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
~ ~ ~
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well ... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
~ ~ ~
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
~ ~ ~
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
~ ~ ~
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

[1MPH]

Bill, Bill, Bill you scamp.



Now who am I going to send these to?

:more::icon10::1drink:

[JCsman]

My neighbor is the most stunningly beautiful 22 year old you have ever seen.

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, would you watch my dog?"

MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

[1MPH]

Henny Youngman


Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Golf Jokes

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Hollywood Jokes

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

[1MPH]

More Youngmen.


Homeless Guys Jokes

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hotel Jokes

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Introductions

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

[panthercity]

Alrighty then!

1773

[DarthRider]

Heads up Don!

[Jaythro]

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep ...

Now give me back my dog!"

[1MPH]

A Mother's Dictionary



amnesia:
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
have sex again.

bottle feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2AM, too.

defense:
What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de
children play outside.

drooling:
How teething babies wash their chins.

dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

family planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep
you on the edge of financial disaster.

feedback:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

full name:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.

hearsay:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.

look out!:
What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream
it.

prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.

prepared childbirth:
A contradiction in terms.

puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.

show off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

sterilize:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

storeroom:
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

temper tantrums:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

top bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

two-minute warning:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.

verbal: Able to whine in words

weaker sex:
The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

whodunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.

whoops:
An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

[1MPH]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!




Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles
for death by lethal injection?



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my
FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[Jaythro]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission in darkest Brazil
where he has spent years teaching
the natives right from wrong, when he

Realizes that the one thing he never taught them was
how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at t he tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk
a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunt s, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

A rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top,

he sees a couple of
Natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,

'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his

blowgun and kills them.


The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that

he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be

civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he

kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'


Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads and
be darn careful when riding someone else's bicycle.

[Jaythro]

Mick and Paddy


Bob died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy..

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Bob.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Bob.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Bob had two arseholes..'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Bob with them two arseholes.'

[1MPH]

Queen Elizabeth

and

Dolly Parton

die on the same day and they both go

before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,

so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular

reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,

and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'


The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of

Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.








The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?'


'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,








A Royal Flush








Beats a Pair -


No Matter How Big They Are.

[1MPH]

Bagpiper at a Funeral


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

[Jaythro]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
.
.
.
.
.

To this the Arab replied: "Aye Laddie but noo Ah have Scottish blood in mah veins!!!".

[JCsman]

There was a man who always seemed to lean slightly to the left. His friend suggested he see a doctor and have his legs checked. For years he refused, saying his friend was crazy, but finally he gave in.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered that his left leg was shorter than his right. A quick bit of surgery made both legs the same length, and the man finally stood straight.

"So," the man's friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you that you leaned."

The man replied, "Nope, but I stand corrected."

[1MPH]

HeHeHe.
I knew a girl like that once her name was Eileen.

[JCsman]

HeHeHe.
I knew a girl like that once her name was Eileen.
Ever meet her Japanese cousin, Irene?

[1MPH]

It all began with an iPhone...

1798





March was when our son celebrated his



17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone.



He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July, and my



wife made me very happy when she



bought me an iPad.
1799











Our daughter's birthday was in August



so we got her an iPod Touch.
1800















My wife celebrated her birthday in



September so I got her an iRon.
1801















It was around then that the fight started.







What my wife failed to recognize is that



the iRon can be integrated into the home



network with the iWash, iCook and the



iClean.







This inevitably activates the iNag



reminder service.







I should be out of the hospital next week!

1802












iHurt

[DarthRider]

Ever meet her Japanese cousin, Irene?
Weavers last concert with Pete Seeger, Madison Square Gardens.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLvk-qsKonQ&feature=related

[panthercity]

Jack, you left out the latest Apple project, an iTouch for youngsters. It will roll out as soon as they come up with a better name than iTouch Kids...

[Jaythro]

With Ian Paisley hitting the news over here I was reminded of this one

Anyway Big Ian was doing a Rally in Larne and in his booming Ballymena Brogue ringing thru the tent and out to the unbelievers beyond!

He Fervently Preached from the Pulpit of Hell and Damnation to be reigned upon the unbelievers

For half an hour he preached fire and brimstone and damned those that did not repent

and in a crescendo he voiced that there would be a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the hereafter for those that did not come before the lamb and give unto the saviour

A Small voice belonging to wizened wee man from the crowd called out to "Big Ian" and said Mr Paisley Mr Paisley What happens if you haven't any teeth????

Big Ian looked out and regarded the crowd before him and looked about and fixed them with is eye and His Booming Brogue surged over the crowd and he said...
.
.
.
.
.


"TEETH WILL BE PROVIDED!"

Just so as you get he feel for him and the setting of his Rally's you can fit the words to the voice


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9uHhLe6WE0

[1MPH]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car?”

SOUND LIKE SOMETHING SOMEONE YOU KNOW WOULD DO?

Yes, Here Too!

[Sir Limpsalot]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put £50 in the poor box .'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'









There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'











Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for
the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £1,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?











An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.

[JCsman]

Are you smarter than a fifth grader.... make that an amphibian....

OR

It's not nice to fool Mother Nature,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=mVKB6Uwq1oo

[panthercity]

Tex, thanks. I sent those to my sweet little Irish MIL.

[JCsman]

Tex, thanks. I sent those to my sweet little Irish MIL.

Hell, I sent 'em to an ex-nun.

[1MPH]

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection.

I’ll never forget the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !

[JCsman]

Best Caliber for Defense Gun
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion a family because if something happens there is someone to go get help. I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta, out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today. Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my collection...

[DarthRider]

Medical Tests

An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that jar open!

[Sir Limpsalot]

Excellent!

[1MPH]

In honour of St. Pats day.



Seamus do you understand French?

I do if its spoken in Irish





Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."

Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"

As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"

"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."






One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green.

Then one of the boys at the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."






"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.





Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?

A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!







A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want.

Liam says, O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days.

Hey, Boy, says the Texan, Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine.

I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im, says Liam.

The Texan is getting angry now. Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now.

Oh well, says Liam, $2000.00US.

Deal! says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!

I keep tellin' you he don't look too good, says Liam, and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up.







Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"






Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A: Regular rocks are too heavy.







An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

[1MPH]

What do you read? This cracks me up...again



Here's how to keep all that political 'news' in perspective...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times . They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated..

8. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

9. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch is read by people who want only the score of the Cardinals game. They drink Budweiser, Budweiser, and wait a minute -- what was the question?

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

[Rode Daze]

LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE, SHALL WE...

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, ‘Where am I?’ ‘The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, ‘You’re in that feckin basket.’



No . . . wait . . .

It's a guy on a bicycle, looking up at the balloon.

Balloonist says, "I'll bet you're an engineer."

"What makes you say that?"

Because you've given me information that, while accurate, is perfectly useless."

Guy on the bike says, "Yeah? And you're in management, eh?"

Balloonist says, "What makes you think that?"

"Well . . . because you're the one who's lost, and yet somehow it's my fault."

[Rode Daze]

Re: The newspaper readership above . . .

Credit here to Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show."

If you're watching Fox News it means you're right-wing radical reactionary, gun-huggin', Christian Evangelical.

If you're watching MSNBC, it means you're a tree-huggin', LGBT, left-wing, socialist hippie . . .

If you're watching CNN, it means you're stuck in the airport and your plane's been delayed.

[Donson]

Hot damn, Daze, YOU worked for TEXTRON too, eh?:045:

[1MPH]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."



************************************************** ******************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



************************************************** ***************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."



"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"



"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."



************************************************** ****************************



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'



************************************************** *******



AND THE LAST



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

[Rode Daze]

Did you hear about the Frenchman who got arrested for necrophilia?

"Dead! Mon vieux! I thought she was British!"

[1MPH]

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench
when a flasher walked up to them and displayed
his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke,
the second old lady had astroke, but the third old
Lady's arms were too short to reach.

[panthercity]

http://i1106.photobucket.com/albums/h370/TheChad68/towing.jpg

[1MPH]

50th High School Reunion






He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.

This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man," I said, "Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

[JCsman]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man
carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man'. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I
will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork and a bib smart ass,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning

[Deans BMW]

When Iwas young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn't pass the entranceexam.



One ofthe questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out animportant part of human



bodythat is more useful when erect." Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors...



Therest of us ended up working for the government.

[Rode Daze]

How many Marines does it take to change a light-bulb?

"Marines don't change light-bulbs. We have sailor boys with boats who do that for us."

[Rode Daze]

http://youtu.be/MA7i0Ls5nmI?hd=1

[Donson]

Big Deal. I Married Her.

[panthercity]

Daze... DAMN! Just DAMN!

[Rode Daze]

OK, so this blonde is sitting in the middle of a large, grassy pasture, in a boat, rowing her butt off. Another blonde stops on the side of the road, gets out of her truck, yells at the blonde in the boat:

"It's blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name . . . and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

[Sir Limpsalot]

Wife by text to husband at work :- "Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"









Husband :- "Spray some de-icer, or pour hot water on them!"









Wife a few minutes later :- "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.

[Boxerboy]

Read the reviews....that'll learn 'em:107:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

[1MPH]

Ahhhh - the inocense of childhood...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher probably loves animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...